If I Needed You

Memories of Halloween's past do not begin to make-up for the future that has been lost.
I don't have any good pictures in my computer of Nick dressed up for Halloween.
I look at this picture and it just makes me want to cry.
This was an early Halloween. I guess Nick was around three?
I cannot remember. Everything is fuzzy. If I didn't have this picture and others like it would I be able to remember at all?
I remember how diligently I was trying to get this clown face on Nick. He was very patient and happy. Nick was a wonderful little boy. I don't think I truly appreciated his easy-going and loving nature. Most kids would have no parts of a process like this, but Nickolas was ready to go. Be a clown for Halloween? Sure...no problem.

I love his curly hair. It was so soft and beautiful. Why did we ever get it cut? I love his happy, smiling face. His joy in the moment, my sweet little boy, completely trusting that I was gonna get this done.

Why did this have to happen? Why is my sweet son dead and gone? Why did he get leukemia? Why did he have to die? Why did he have to have such a horrible experience? Why won't I ever get to see him again in this earthly world? Why won't these nightmares leave my brain? Why do I have to go on living without him? Why didn't we get to cheat death? Why do children have to die before their parents? I am haunted by these questions. I wish I knew the answers. I have none.

If I needed you would you come to me,
Would you come to me, and ease my pain?
If you needed me
I would come to you
I'd swim the seas for to ease your pain

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” Kahlil Gibran

'Welcome Home'

This video was posted on Nick's facebook page by Kate D. I love this song and the video. I asked Kate if there was a story behind it and she just said that they had discovered the video/song and they both liked it. When I watch the video there are times when you see different views of the singer and they remind me of Nick so much, I just want to cry. Even the clothes the guy is wearing remind me of some of Nick's shirts. The song has such a wistful and ethereal sound.

Lyrics to "Welcome Home" by Radical Face

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun
And the days blur into one
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done

Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline
Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass
Was never much but we made the most
Welcome home

Ships are launching from my chest
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost

Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home

All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams
And I don't know if I can.

The Tiny House

He would live in a tiny house.
His folks would live nearby.
He would have a wife
And some babies of his own.

He wouldn't need much.
Simple gifts of life, love, and family.
Good books.
Bluegrass music.
Food on the table.
Friends to share the bounty.

He would sleep beneath a cloudless, starry sky.
Rising at dawn to rays of sunshine
Streaming through the windows.
The bluebird of happiness
Would nest in the rafters.
And its beautiful song would
Be carried on the breeze for
All to hear.

He would live in a tiny house.

Autumn's Melancholy

Leaves fall like tears.
Color bleeds from my heart.
My world is black and gray.
Without you my son,
seasons have no meaning.

~bigD © 2010


Chanson d' Automne
~Paul Verlaine

The long sobs
Of the violins
Of autumn
Wound my heart
With a languor
Monotonous.

All suffocating
And pale when
The hour strikes
I remember
The old days
And weep

And I go away
In the ill wind
that carries me off
This side and beyond
Like the
Dead leaf.