Midnight

Another "new year" begins without you Nick.

It seems like every year it gets worse...

For years I worked New Year's Eve and New Years day so that I could be off for Christmas.

So many times I spent New Year's Eve driving home in the car as the clock hit midnight.

Then there were the years between when i stopped working as a nurse and your leukemia diagnosis,

that was December 2004 through December 2007.

I don't know what I did on New Year's Eve for those years. 

Then there was New Year's Eve 2008 - we spent that one in the hospital...I will never forget.

Then there was New Year's Eve - December 2009 - you were dead for that one...that was the first one without you, with more to follow - all equal parts sadness, bitterness, pain, longing, anger....

December 2010, December 2011, December 2012,

and now December 2013....leading to the start of another year without you.   This year I couldn't wait for the holidays to be OVER.  So now they are....I still cannot say the words "Happy New Year"  or "Happy" anything for that matter....the word "happy" does not exist in my vocabulary now.  I am not happy...is that because Nickolas is dead and gone from my life forever?  Well I would say that is a huge part of it.  I have been in the dark so long, I cannot imagine my life any other way.  And it seems that whenever I get even a glimpse of pure joy, it is snatched away from me in the blink of an eye...and I am wonder when or if I will ever be happy again.  And I wonder do I really want to keep living like this for how much longer?  I will never understand....

“I would say happy new year but it's not happy; it's exactly the same as last year except colder. ”   ~Robert Clark

“Hope...smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 

Whispering 'it will be happier'...” ~Alfred Tennyson

“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.”   ~Haruki Murakami

“They say you can't stop time, that it is a constant and waits for no one. They're wrong. Time slows down when you want it to speed up. It goes too fast when you're having fun. And it stops. It stops, dead in it's tracks, when the unthinkable occurs. Time is not neutral, it makes no sense, and it bears no logic. It has nothing to do with nature or fairness or physics. 

Time is cruel.
And it's as simple as that.”  ~Heather Killough-Walden