Find Me

Are things different now?
More time has passed.
1,257 days, 22 hours, 40 minutes
Sinking deeper into the quicksand of pain and loneliness.
The only problem is...there is  nothing quick about it.
It is like a faucet slowly dripping, it never stops.
The acid of your death eats away at whatever I have left.
It burns like fire, putting holes in the shattered remnants of my soul.
Pulling the dark shroud around me, I close out the light and try to protect myself from the incessant beating.
The erosion continues day after day.
Soon there will be nothing left of me.
I gather what is left of my shield and hunker down.
Sometimes I hear footsteps and I wait.
Someone has come looking for me.
Ever so gently the cloak is lifted.
The light blinds me with shards of hope.
A soft voice penetrates the walls of my heart.
"I am here.  It is time to go.  Come with me, I will protect you."
I wonder how he found me...but I do not care.  At last, I am free.

© Big D 2013

Find me, here in your arms
Now I'm wondering where you've always been
And blindly, I came to you
Knowing you'd breathe new life from within
Ooh and you sleep, here in my arms
Where the world just shuts down for awhile
And blindly, you came to me
Finding peace and belief in this smile
Find some peace and belief in this smile
Well find some peace and belief in this smile

I can't get enough of you

(Song "Find Me"  Boyce Ave)

Can't Look At the Stars - New Year's Day 2013

“We all want to break our orbits, float like a satellite gone wild in space, run the risk of disintegration. We all want to take our lives in our own hands and hurl them out among the stars.”  ~David Bottoms

“Hope drowned in shadows
emerges fiercely splendid––
boldly angelic.”  ~Aberihani, The River of Winged Dreams


“Rather than turning the page, it's much easier to just throw the book away.” ~Anthony Liccione


Dearest Nickolas, I am missing you so much on this start of another year, our fourth New Year's without you.  This time always makes me sad and withdrawn. I cannot help but to remember back to the last New Year holiday we spent together in the hospital, our dreams of your recovery shattered by a relapse diagnosis.  I try to forget those awful days, but they cannot be erased from my mind.  I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Please come home soon Nick, I love you always and forever.  Mom xo