Two years...
SEVEN HUNDRED and THIRTY DAYS
Still hurting, still trying to find my way, still with no energy, no direction, no feelings, a strange numbness that I cannot explain alternates with anxiety and a sadness so deep and painful it physically hurts and sometimes takes my breath away.
I have no creative drive anymore...I cannot write and I cannot dance. I am forcing myself to write something on this blog because I need to write something on this day. I am exhausted emotionally and physically and most days I wish I never had to leave my house.
Nick's DEATH has left a void in my life that is so vast, it will never be filled. The painful memories of Nick's battle with leukemia continue to haunt me. My attempts to exact justice on his behalf have proved to be exercises in futility. Those that hurt him will get away with their evil and continue to hurt others in the name of medicine and "curing cancer."
I don't know why this had to happen. I will never understand it. Glenn and Sara and I continue to struggle, each in our own way, and it feels like we are tiny boats set adrift in a sea of tears. We are each paddling in search of some unknown place, with no compass, no map, no direction. Some days the sea is quiet and there is no wind and we gently drift along unaware of the tsunami of water heading towards us. The next day a wall of water swoops down on our little boats overturning them and throwing us into the frigid waters of grief and pain. I have learned to keep my life vest on at all times. I am tired of treading water, my limbs are heavy with the weight of this suffering. Some days I just want to take that vest off and call it quits, sinking into a deep abyss of blessed oblivion. I wonder how much longer I can do this.
In other news...a "new" treatment protocol/clinical trial for leukemia has shown some promise. Too late for Nickolas...too late for us. Read more here.
Where You'll Find Me by Audrye Session
Well maybe I'm a little rough around the edges, around the ends
But lately I'm saving up to buy a new life, a new world
Where your shadow goes when you're asleep
And each happens in symmetry, don't need your eyes open to see
Where nothing can be photographed and time is just a thing you pass
That's where you'll find me
Well today I'm waking up
pass the mistake of falling off
So I'll drink to moving on
And after this life I'll be better off
Where the soldiers pass or play
Fields of flowery graves
With enemies they forgave
Where the daggers and pistols rest next to body bags of ignorance
That's where you'll find me
Find me
Will blow your mind
On a one-way trip to river spine
It's just the worries in me
underneath the words on the hilltop of
That's where you'll find me
Find me
Well maybe I'm a little rough around the edges, around the ends
I love you Nickolas. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. I am so sorry my sweet son. Please forgive me. Please come home soon. Mom. xoxo
