Birthday Boy - Forever 26

It'is my dead son's birthday.  Today, Nickolas would have been 35 years old.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to have my son here with me today.  I wonder what we would be doing.  I wonder what he would look like.  I wonder if he would be married yet. I wonder if he would have any children of his own? I wonder if he would still be working as a chemical engineer.  I wonder if he would still live nearby.  I wonder if he would still like to eat great food and hang out with his friends.  I wonder if he and his sister would still be best buds.  I wonder if he would still like playing guitar.  I wonder if we would be able to play guitar together.  I wonder if he would still be going to concerts. I wonder if he would still be an Oriole fan.  I wonder if he would still be working with EWB and traveling the world to help others in need.  I wonder so many things. All pointless...I will never have the answers to these questions.  Now I wonder if it will ever stop hurting.  I wonder when I will stop being so sad all the time.  I wonder when my life will really implode.  I wonder how much longer I can keep searching for meaning in a meaningless and tragic situation.  I wonder when the yearning to see my son again will stop.  I wonder when the void that his death has left in my heart and soul will ever be filled.  I wonder why I so rarely dream about my sweet boy.  I wonder why he never comes to me.  I wonder if I will ever feel joy in my life again.  I wonder why life has to be so fucking unfair to so many people.  I wonder when the anger, resentment, and bitterness in my soul will consume me and put an end to this misery.  I wonder who cares about this and if they do care what can they do about it.  I am tired of wondering.


Starving 

Death brings a feast of
heartache and melancholy,
bitterness and pain. 

© bigD 2017


Child loss is a tortuous death.  (Six word story)

© bigD  2017

Eight Years Longing

Battered (Haiku)

Eight years without you.
Melancholy stains my heart
darker shades of blue.

© big D 2017


Sorrow is my constant companion now.   (Six Word Story)

I have nothing to say.  Is that pathetic?  I am no better today than I was eight years ago.

I am bereft.  I am grieving.  I am without hope.  I keep my "feelings"
hidden.  Who wants to know what this feels like?  This blog is private now...no one will see it.  No one really sees me.  Do they?  If they did they would be much more concerned.  What does it matter?
It doesn't.  Many days I think that if this is all there is then why do I continue?  I don't have an answer.  I had a brief period of time where i thought I could see a light at the end of this dark and horrible place that I live every day.  That turned out to be a "mirage"...like the ones you see in the desert when you are delirious from heat stroke.  Yes, I was delirious.  I needed, I wanted, I desired (and still do) to be taken care of so badly, that I was willing to buy into bullshit and ended up with nothing to show for it...NOTHING.  I got more suffering, more sadness, more pain, on top of what I am already carrying.  What are you talking about you may be wondering.  Well guess what, it doesn't matter.  Nothing does.  Enough to know that I figured out that I was a worthless piece of shit and I deserve it...right?  Oh no you say.  Well whatever, two years of therapy and a bunch of bullshit later, nothing has changed.  I am still as messed up as I ever was....I have tried to be good and do the right thing, and help others and be a good person, and what do I get for that....NOTHING and kicked in the gut more times than I care to think about.  I get continued reinforcement of how I am a worthless piece of shit.  I am sorry Nickolas.  I know you wouldn't like this.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I want the pain to stop.  I am bitter and angry.  And yes, I think I deserve something more in this life than what I am getting, so yeah, that makes me a terrible, shitty person right?  Yep.

“There are far too many silent sufferers.  Not because they don't yearn to reach out, but because they've tried and found no one who cares.”    ~ Richelle E. Goodrich


 “I felt as if I were riding a pendulum. Just as I would swing into the abyss of hopelessness, the pendulum would swing back with some small goodness.”  ~ Ruta Sepetys, Between Shades of Gray

“For Death is the meaning of night;
The eternal shadow
Into which all lives must fall, 
All hopes expire.” 

~Michael Cox, The Meaning of Night