Ghosts of Christmas Past

Ghosts of Christmas past
Memories yellow and fade.
Haunted and forlorn.

© big D 2014

“I hate you for all the years I 'll have to live without you. How can a heart hurt this much and still go on beating? How can I feel this bad without dying from it?
I 've bruised my knees with praying to have you back. None of my prayers have been answered. I tried to send them up to heaven but they 're trapped here on earth, like bobwhites beneath the snow. I try to sleep and it's like I 'm suffocating.
Where have you gone?
Once you said that if I wasn't with you, it wouldn't be heaven.
I can't let go of you. Come back and haunt me. Come back.”  ~ Lisa Kleypas

“Something was bleeding… and something was broken. It was my heart… because I had to leave you.” 
― Kimberly Brockman, Raven

“Is it ghosts that truly haunt us, or the memory of our own mistakes that we wish we could undo?” 
― Laura Lam, Shadowplay

Christmas Eve

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn.” 
― John Muir, The Mountains of California

It is Christmas Eve...another year without you.
There is a deep longing to have you here.
It doesn't matter.
The pain is a constant.
The sorrow seeds my soul
Darkness seeps through my veins.
There is nothing I can do to bring you home.
There is nothing I can do to change what has happened.
My world is stark like the words on this page.
There is no color...none of the twinkling lights, the reds, the greens, the bright lights of joy and peace.
My light has burned out...there is a short circuit, a bad bulb...
A tangle of emotions that cannot be fixed.
Your death has shattered my world.
The fragments of my life are crushed by those rushing to and fro.
Christmas means nothing if you are not happy.
It is a horrible time that I try to survive.

I wish you could see the mountains too.  I love you my sweet boy.  I love you always and forever.