What Are You Doing New Years Eve? by Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-L...

Missing my son with all my heart. New Year's will never be the same. Nick spent his last New Year's Eve (December 2008) at Johns Hopkins hospital with CNS relapse of his leukemia. Those memories linger, a painful reminder that he is gone forever from our lives. This is our third New Year's without our precious boy. How is that even possible? Glenn & I stay home and make the best of it....Sara is out, I worry something will happen to her. I don't do a very good job of hiding my pain. Why should I have to? This video makes me smile and cry at the same time. I miss you my sweet boy. Nothing will ever be the same without you here. I love you...Mom.

Searching For a Future Good

What is hope? Where will I find it?

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.

1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.

2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.

3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.

4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes. ~Thomas Hardy

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. ~Lin Yutang

Merry Christmas Nickolas, I love you my first-born son. On this our third Christmas without you my heart aches and I cry a thousand tears that flow from the cracks of my broken heart. I carry you with me always. Mom xo

Tiny Tree Wishes

Another Christmas without Nickolas. I wonder how many I shall have to count? What kind of fun should I have without my son here? After your child dies, some words just have to come out of the vocabulary...here is a short list: happy, joy, merry, and celebrate. The pain of losing Nick remains ever present. Why wouldn't it? Losing a child is not something one "gets over." I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS! It is not humanly possible to stop longing for my son, my future!! It hurts so much every day, the pain of it can take my breath away. Some say this pain will "soften" with time....I say they are full of shit and I have no idea what that means....soften my ass. Meanwhile the happy, merry holidays are still in full swing and I am sick of it all, Can anyone just take a moment, actually stop, and try to imagine how you would feel right now if your child was DEAD? I know way too many families right now who are going through exactly that, trying to figure out how this is supposed to work, once you have lost the most precious life in your world, that of your child. Yes time marches on and I hate that. I don't really give a crap how much time has gone by, I still miss my son every minute of every day. I am thankful for every day that ticks off the calender so this will all be over. It's not just the holidays, every month has a litany of memories from the days of Nick's illness that are relentless in their hold on my mind; but, this time of year is really awful without Nick here. I wonder what it would be like to feel joy again? Do they bottle that stuff? Some days substance abuse seems like a viable option. I just want to stop hurting. I know there is nothing that can take the pain away, except having Nick back here with me. Do they make neon signs with big red letters, that flash the word, "WHY?" I need one of those.

I MISS YOU

Christmas time is here.
And where are you my sweet son?
Sadness overwhelms.

© bigD 2011


N-I-C-K-O-L-A-S

Your stocking hangs there,
Lifeless and without purpose.
Screaming out your name.

© bigD 2011


O TANNENBAUM

The tree is a fake and a fraud
Just like my own miserable existence.
Half the lights are out.
No one seems to know how to fix it.
And yet it stands there tall and overbearing,
Mocking me.
Daring me to take it down and throw it in the garbage.
No ornaments adorn it's screwy, off-kilter frame.
I cannot bear the thought of unpacking, one by one,
All of those memories of happier times.
It takes all of my energy just to erect this monument to former joy.
I stare at it's white lights and wonder how it all came to this.

© bigD 2011

"A tiny tree Christmas, hang the balls with wishes"

I wish you were here my boy. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish I could see you again. I wish I could remember the exact color of your eyes. I wish I could see your smile and hear your voice. I wish I could erase all the horrible memories of your pain and suffering from my mind. I wish I could understand why these terrible things have to happen to children all over the world. I wish everyone could understand how hard this is and how much my heart is aching for my baby. I wish I knew how to fill the gaping wounds in my spirit. I wish you would come home my sweet Nickolas. I wish you could be here to celebrate Christmas. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Please come home soon. Your Mama needs you.