December 25, 2013

Blue Christmas

It will always be a blue Christmas without you my son.
I remember so vividly our last Christmas together...
I only wish it had been happier.
I only wish  my deepest fears had not been realized.
I miss you today and every single day of my life since you left this world.
I am so blue without you...

This description of the meaning of the color blue reminds me of so many things about you Nickolas...my beautiful son.

This color is one of trust, honesty and loyalty. It is sincere, reserved and quiet, and doesn't like to make a fuss or draw attention. It hates confrontation, and likes to do things in its own way.

Blue is reliable and responsible. This color exhibits an inner security and confidence. You can rely on it to take control and do the right thing in difficult times. It has a need for order and direction in its life, including its living and work spaces.

This is a color that seeks peace and tranquility above everything else, promoting both physical and mental relaxation. It reduces stress, creating a sense of calmness, relaxation and order - we certainly feel a sense of calm if we lie on our backs and look into a bright blue cloudless sky. It slows the metabolism. The paler the blue the more freedom we feel.

In the meaning of colors, blue relates to one-to-one communication, especially communication using the voice - speaking the truth through verbal self-expression - it is the teacher, the public speaker.

The color blue is idealistic, enhancing self-expression and our ability to communicate our needs and wants. It inspires higher ideals.

Blue's wisdom comes from its higher level of intelligence, a spiritual perspective.

Blue is the color of the spirit, devotion and religious study. It enhances contemplation and prayer. On the other hand, blue's devotion can be to any cause or concept it believes in, including devotion to family or work.

Blue is the helper, the rescuer, the friend in need. It's success is defined by the quality and quantity of its relationships. It is a giver, not a taker. It likes to build strong trusting relationships and becomes deeply hurt if that trust is betrayed.

Blue is conservative and predictable, a safe and non-threatening color, and the most universally liked color of all, probably because it is safe and non-threatening. At the same time blue is persistent and determined to succeed in whichever endeavors it pursues.

Change is difficult for blue. It is inflexible and when faced with a new or different idea, it considers it, analyzes it, thinks it over slowly and then tries to make it fit its own acceptable version of reality.

Blue is nostalgic. It is a color that lives in the past, relating everything in the present and the future to experiences in the past.

“No truth can cure the sadness we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness, can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see that sadness through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sadness that comes to us without warning.”   ~Haruki Murakami

November 28, 2013

Time Is Spinning Silk

My beautiful son
You are gone forever now
Never to return.

© big D 2013

Another holiday ticks
off the calender.
I do not live.
I merely exist.
Who gives a fuck about
the holidays?
I don't care about any of it.
It seems there is nothing
that can take away the pain
of losing you.
There was a glimpse of light, a healing spirit
For a brief moment in time
Where I thought I might actually understand
about this thing called "hope."
But then the light was snuffed out,
Just like your life,
And it was gone.
I am resigned to living in black and grey.
There is no color in my world.
I am tired and have no strength to fight.
I do not want to be judged.
I do not want to be lectured.
I do not want to be told what to do, or think or say...
My son is dead....
I just want it to stop hurting.
How will it ever stop hurting?

“There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter. We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, too much pain. Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call and answer in extraordinary ways.” 
~ Mother Teresa

“At some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze.”   ~John Green

“If there was a God, he'd guide the winds, let them blow for me so that, with a tug of my string, I'd cut loose my pain, my longing.”   ~Khaled Hosseini

So slowly I'm losing 
who I've sworn to be. 
a promise in pencil 
that years have made so hard to read. 
I've spent my life building walls 
brick by brick and bruise by bruise... 
a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep. 

but time is spinning silk 
that coils ruthlessly; 
with the devil's patience, 
it binds my hands so quietly 
that soon it becomes a part of me. 

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie. 
and help me remember 
the hope that I have compromised. 

please be a broken record for me.


(Song:  Birdcage Religion  Sleeping At Last)

October 01, 2013

All Alone

Unraveling still.
Even as I clutch at this 
Stark and dismal truth.

© big D 2013

So foolish to think 
I could get out of this...
A cruel fate I must learn to accept.
There is no hope.  
Only darkness and pain.

“I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I want to be done, to be left unburdened and naked, to tear the hurt off my body like layers of clothes. At the end of the trail I stop and bend forward, hands on my knees, to catch my breath. I’m not healed, but for this moment, I’m better.”  
 ~ Kerry Cohen, Loose Girl: A memoir of Promiscuity

I’m looking for a way out
For a place that no one knows
Please take me away now
Somewhere it don’t feel so cold

Troubles on my mind
Troubles on my mind
For the rest of the days I’ve cried
For the rest of the days I’ve cried

I’m searching for a paradise 
That I just can’t seem to find
I’m searching for a paradise 
For the time of my life

I’m searching for a paradise 
That I just can’t seem to find
I’m searching for a paradise 
Gonna go where the spirit guides

All alone

My silhouette is fading
Past the point of safe return
Now my body’s aching
As both ends of the candle burn

My heart is beating slow
My heart is beating slow
It’s worn me to the bone
It’s worn me to the bone

I’m searching for a paradise 
That I just can’t seem to find
I’m searching for a paradise 
For the time of my life

I’m searching for a paradise 
That I just can’t seem to find
I’m searching for a paradise 
Gonna go where the spirit guides

All alone
All alone
All alone

(Song "Paradise"  by City and Colour)

September 11, 2013

Gone Where I Cannot Follow

Nickolas
Thirty-one years ago today
The day you were born,
Your birth brought so much joy into my world.

Today...
I have nothing to fill the void your death
Four years without you...
The pain remains a constant
The sorrow never ending.
The emptiness unbearable.

It is your birthday Nickolas and you are not here to celebrate with us.

Therefore, there is nothing to celebrate, only memories not made and milestones not met.
Why would we mark the birthday of one who is no longer living?  Nickolas will be forever "26" - he will never reach another age, we will never know the man he might have been.  Instead we mark the years he has been gone from us...I cannot bear to consider how many more there will be.  Trying to "make the best" of a horrible and agonizingly painful experience that has marked me as "damaged goods" for the rest of my days.
Tired of feeling this way....tired of being judged.  Tired of it all....hope seems beyond my reach and unattainable.

“There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it's okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.”    ~ Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

“I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days.”  ~Victoria Hanely, The Seer and the Sword

August 13, 2013

Four Years


















Four years without you
My heart is filled with longing
To see you again.

Four long years without
Your smile, your laughter, your love,
Your kind thoughts and words.

Four years of anguish
Such intolerable pain
Searching for release.

Finding none.

© big D 2013

August 12, 2013

Dark Surprise

Your death was a dark surprise....I should have seen it coming.  I knew and yet, I was so terrified of losing you.  I was losing my mind as all control ebbed from my body like blood flowing from a gaping wound. On that day, I stood frozen, like a mad woman, terrorized by days of watching you being tortured, watching the suffering you endured, in the name of living.  I stood there in so much pain, while your death came barreling down the dark road your journey through cancer had become. We tried to stop it, but we had no chance against this grim reaper. Nickolas, you fought so hard for so long; your strength, your courage, your spirit, even our love was no match for the tenacity of this enemy.  I stood watching in horror as you were taken from the ventilator, unable to move, unable to scream, unable to accept the harsh reality, that you were going to take your last breath and you would be gone from us forever. To this day, almost four years later, I cannot believe it, I cannot understand it, and I cannot accept it.  I have so many regrets and so much pain. The horrible pain of that day remains a part of my daily existence.  I don't know how or why I continue to survive it.  So sad all the time and missing you more than i will ever be able to say.  Words cannot express the anguish and torment of this existence.  I cannot find a way out of this darkness. I love you my sweet boy, always and forever, Mom

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 
~ Lemony SnicketHorseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

“For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.”   ~Kahlil Gibran

April 24, 2013

Before I Went Under


Detached from emotions
I decided to derail this train.
Determined to let you know
I defy you to take my place on this hellacious track.
Derisive comments will not sway me.
I deeply feel the pain of your judgement.
Detained forever.
My denuded life lies in tatters at my feet.
Delusional, maybe.
Beware the deceptive practices of the trusted.
Their deceit will lead to death.
Debate is useless.
I declare the futility at an end.
Default plan B.
My decay has already begun.

© big D 2013

Looking out from underneath, 
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me, 
As before I went under.

And it's peaceful in the deep, 
Cause either way (Cathedral, where) you cannot breathe, 
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under, Oh.

And it's breaking over me, 
A thousand miles down (on)to the sea bed, 
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, 
And all this devotion was rushing over (out of) me, 
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me, 
But the arms of the ocean deliver me.

Though the pressure's hard to take, 
It's the only way I can escape, 
It seems a heavy choice to make, 
But now I am under, Oh.

And it's breaking over me, 
A thousand miles down to the sea bed, 
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, 
And all this devotion was rushing over (out of) me, 
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me, 
But the arms of the ocean deliver me.

And it's over, 
And I'm going under, 
But I'm not giving up! 
I'm just giving in.

Oh, slipping underneath.
Oh, so cold, but so sweet.

(Music & Lyrics - "Never Let Me Go"    Florence and the Machine

March 15, 2013

Lost Identity

I've Joined The Circus

You are my heart.  I cry for you every night.
You would have been thirty years old on September 11, 2012.
But you will be forever 26. No more birthdays for you.
Mickey is wearing your hat. All your hats are still in your room.
Tim Sunny-Bear remembers days of love and laughter.
I found your teenage mutant Ninja turtle in the attic.
You were always such a sweet boy, full of joyful happiness and smiles.
I search for you everywhere.  All paths lead nowhere.
No matter how far I walk I cannot reach you.
Your belt is still on your bed with all the extra holes you punched in it so you could hold up your pants.
That belt reminds me of your emaciated frame and how hard it was to fight that cancer
that ravaged your body.
The pounds dropping away like the days of your life...
Shattered and broken, dark clouds swirling.
The bluebird of happiness died and he sings no more.
I have lost my faith...
There is no god that would let this happen to my sweet boy.
I wanted your  baby footprints...they threw them away.
I wanted your fingerprint....no one thought to ask.
Your dream catcher still hangs from the ceiling over your bed.
There are no more bad dreams for you my son.
No dreams of any kind...no future for you.
No future for me.
You are my sunset, my autumn leaves.
You are one of the most beautiful things I ever created.
When you left, all the pages in my book turned black and gray.
Everything is such a mess.
I only want you to come home. Please come home.
If you don't come home...
I am going to run away and find a place to start over.
I am going to find a place...
Where no one knows the depths of my sadness or my pain.

© big D 2013

February 21, 2013

Stricken With A Great Sadness


“The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain, but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire. You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all anyone can see is black. You may find that if someone pours water all over you, you are damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department can douse a fire but never recover what has been burnt down.”
~ Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

I love you always and forever my sweet boy. I miss you with every piece of my broken heart.  Please come home.  Mom xo

February 02, 2013

Sweet Son






















Had a dream about you last night.
We were in a candy store.
Buying candy.
I saw your face.
You smiled at me.
That's all I remember.
So horrible that I cannot even capture you in my dreams.
They fade so fast.
They don't seem real.
Sometimes I barely remember.
I dreamed of you.
Then I remember you are gone.
Gone forever.
So now I dream about you in a candy store.
What kind of candy do you want my sweet boy.
I love you more than a wagon full of puppies.
Always and forever you are in my heart.
Please come home soon, so we can go buy some
real candy.

January 21, 2013

Find Me

Are things different now?
More time has passed.
1,257 days, 22 hours, 40 minutes
Sinking deeper into the quicksand of pain and loneliness.
The only problem is...there is  nothing quick about it.
It is like a faucet slowly dripping, it never stops.
The acid of your death eats away at whatever I have left.
It burns like fire, putting holes in the shattered remnants of my soul.
Pulling the dark shroud around me, I close out the light and try to protect myself from the incessant beating.
The erosion continues day after day.
Soon there will be nothing left of me.
I gather what is left of my shield and hunker down.
Sometimes I hear footsteps and I wait.
Someone has come looking for me.
Ever so gently the cloak is lifted.
The light blinds me with shards of hope.
A soft voice penetrates the walls of my heart.
"I am here.  It is time to go.  Come with me, I will protect you."
I wonder how he found me...but I do not care.  At last, I am free.

© Big D 2013


Find me, here in your arms
Now I'm wondering where you've always been
And blindly, I came to you
Knowing you'd breathe new life from within
Ooh and you sleep, here in my arms
Where the world just shuts down for awhile
And blindly, you came to me
Finding peace and belief in this smile
Find some peace and belief in this smile
Well find some peace and belief in this smile

I can't get enough of you

(Song "Find Me"  Boyce Ave)

January 01, 2013

Can't Look At the Stars - New Year's Day 2013

“We all want to break our orbits, float like a satellite gone wild in space, run the risk of disintegration. We all want to take our lives in our own hands and hurl them out among the stars.”  ~David Bottoms

“Hope drowned in shadows
emerges fiercely splendid––
boldly angelic.” 
~Aberihani, The River of Winged Dreams


“Rather than turning the page, it's much easier to just throw the book away.” ~Anthony Liccione


Dearest Nickolas, I am missing you so much on this start of another year, our fourth New Year's without you.  This time always makes me sad and withdrawn. I cannot help but to remember back to the last New Year holiday we spent together in the hospital, our dreams of your recovery shattered by a relapse diagnosis.  I try to forget those awful days, but they cannot be erased from my mind.  I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Please come home soon Nick, I love you always and forever.  Mom xo