Your death was a dark surprise....I should have seen it coming. I knew and yet, I was so terrified of losing you. I was losing my mind as all control ebbed from my body like blood flowing from a gaping wound. On that day, I stood frozen, like a mad woman, terrorized by days of watching you being tortured, watching the suffering you endured, in the name of living. I stood there in so much pain, while your death came barreling down the dark road your journey through cancer had become. We tried to stop it, but we had no chance against this grim reaper. Nickolas, you fought so hard for so long; your strength, your courage, your spirit, even our love was no match for the tenacity of this enemy. I stood watching in horror as you were taken from the ventilator, unable to move, unable to scream, unable to accept the harsh reality, that you were going to take your last breath and you would be gone from us forever. To this day, almost four years later, I cannot believe it, I cannot understand it, and I cannot accept it. I have so many regrets and so much pain. The horrible pain of that day remains a part of my daily existence. I don't know how or why I continue to survive it. So sad all the time and missing you more than i will ever be able to say. Words cannot express the anguish and torment of this existence. I cannot find a way out of this darkness. I love you my sweet boy, always and forever, Mom
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”
~ Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
“For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.” ~Kahlil Gibran
