Battered (Haiku)
Eight years without you.
Melancholy stains my heart
darker shades of blue.
© big D 2017
Sorrow is my constant companion now. (Six Word Story)
I have nothing to say. Is that pathetic? I am no better today than I was eight years ago.
I am bereft. I am grieving. I am without hope. I keep my "feelings"
hidden. Who wants to know what this feels like? This blog is private now...no one will see it. No one really sees me. Do they? If they did they would be much more concerned. What does it matter?
It doesn't. Many days I think that if this is all there is then why do I continue? I don't have an answer. I had a brief period of time where i thought I could see a light at the end of this dark and horrible place that I live every day. That turned out to be a "mirage"...like the ones you see in the desert when you are delirious from heat stroke. Yes, I was delirious. I needed, I wanted, I desired (and still do) to be taken care of so badly, that I was willing to buy into bullshit and ended up with nothing to show for it...NOTHING. I got more suffering, more sadness, more pain, on top of what I am already carrying. What are you talking about you may be wondering. Well guess what, it doesn't matter. Nothing does. Enough to know that I figured out that I was a worthless piece of shit and I deserve it...right? Oh no you say. Well whatever, two years of therapy and a bunch of bullshit later, nothing has changed. I am still as messed up as I ever was....I have tried to be good and do the right thing, and help others and be a good person, and what do I get for that....NOTHING and kicked in the gut more times than I care to think about. I get continued reinforcement of how I am a worthless piece of shit. I am sorry Nickolas. I know you wouldn't like this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want the pain to stop. I am bitter and angry. And yes, I think I deserve something more in this life than what I am getting, so yeah, that makes me a terrible, shitty person right? Yep.
“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don't yearn to reach out, but because they've tried and found no one who cares.” ~ Richelle E. Goodrich
“I felt as if I were riding a pendulum. Just as I would swing into the abyss of hopelessness, the pendulum would swing back with some small goodness.” ~ Ruta Sepetys, Between Shades of Gray
The eternal shadow
Into which all lives must fall,
All hopes expire.”
~Michael Cox, The Meaning of Night
