Thirty-one years ago today
The day you were born,
Your birth brought so much joy into my world.
Today...
I have nothing to fill the void your death
Four years without you...
The pain remains a constant
The sorrow never ending.
The emptiness unbearable.
It is your birthday Nickolas and you are not here to celebrate with us.
Therefore, there is nothing to celebrate, only memories not made and milestones not met.
Why would we mark the birthday of one who is no longer living? Nickolas will be forever "26" - he will never reach another age, we will never know the man he might have been. Instead we mark the years he has been gone from us...I cannot bear to consider how many more there will be. Trying to "make the best" of a horrible and agonizingly painful experience that has marked me as "damaged goods" for the rest of my days.
Tired of feeling this way....tired of being judged. Tired of it all....hope seems beyond my reach and unattainable.
“There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it's okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.” ~ Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
“I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days.” ~Victoria Hanely, The Seer and the Sword
