Funny In My Mind

On this road to nowhere,
Time is all I've got.
Ticking like a bomb.
Welcoming the explosion.
Life slips through my fingers,
Like an hour glass full of empty promises.

Birds falling from the sky
Don't know why they die.
Life is very short or so they say.
Searching for the key
To unlock this mystery
I'll sit in this cage and wait for your return.

Broken hearts still beat.
"Keep calm and carry on!"
Wishing I could slide into the sea.
Your voice whispers through the trees,
"I love you Mom."

Swallow

This is a letter I wrote to Nickolas on October 19, 2010. I still have flashbacks to these times. I still have so many sad memories around food and Nick's desire to eat so badly and yet, he struggled to eat and continued to lose precious pounds. If there is one story about Nick and food during his time fighting his leukemia, there are probably one hundred. I don't know what to say anymore. I am so tired. The memories so painful...

Dearest Nickolas,

I am thinking of you this morning, well, really this afternoon. Whenever I am here alone, I think of the mornings it would be just you and me here in the house; a treasured day, when we didn’t have to go down to the hospital. A day we could just stay home and enjoy the time together away from the pain and the sorrow of the clinic.

I remember we would both sleep in and sometimes I would even get up before you because you were lying in your bed reading or thinking or just taking your time to think about getting up.

I remember when I would try to cook you breakfast, sausage or toast or something, usually with hot tea.

I remember when we would watch Price Is Right on the tv and we would try to guess the prices and see who was right.

I remember feeling so good to have you near and have you home, snuggle up on the couch.

I remember how you would like to watch the birds out of the window and we would listen to their voices singing and the blue jays squawking.

I can picture you wearing your blue furry shirt and your knit cap.

I wish I could remember more…it doesn’t seem like much. It makes me so sad. I miss you so much.

It was always so good to have you at home where you belonged. I remember how you always looked forward to eating whatever your Dad would fix for you.

How sad that “eating” has to become a treasured past time that we learn we have taken for granted, as you wasted away to skin and bone, while your lungs were dying even as we all chewed and swallowed the lumps in our throats and the pain in our hearts.

I love you my sweet son. I miss you more with every passing day. Please come home soon. Mom

Had Enough

Thinking back...almost 600 days since last I had you with me my sweet son. I have been so sad these past weeks. I think back to March and April of 2009, fifty-eight days spent in that horrible hospital. No one understands. I am a ticking time bomb of emotions that lie buried deep in my soul, waiting to erupt. I am so tired, tired of this heartless and cruel thing that is life.
I was going to post a "nice" little something that I wrote last October, maybe another day. Not today. I wanted to find a picture of you trying to eat the precious food that you loved and craved so much. I found this one and the memories of those days come rushing back. It is as if I never left that place, even as I tried to never leave your side and now we are apart for far too long already. This was only the beginning of how bad things were going to get. My handsome boy...wasting away. Trays of food came to your room every day like clockwork, and yet, you could barely eat any of it. The pounds fell away from your body, like the hair from your head and the life from your soul. So many painful memories of that horrible time. The sadness in your eyes when I look at pictures of those days. What were you thinking of all this? Days marching by while you suffered endless treatments and your lungs worsened with each passing day, right under the noses of those ridiculously righteous doctors who acted as if they knew everything, but instead they knew nothing. They didn't know how much we loved you and how much we wanted you to be well. They didn't know how smart you were or how strong and brave you were. They NEVER LISTENED!!!!! You deserved the best care in the world Nick. You deserved the best. Their best was pathetically inadequate and now you are DEAD and they still don't care. I wonder when was the last time one of them thought of you Nick? Did they know how much you loved your Dad and your sister and your Mama? Did they know of your plans and hopes and dreams for the future? Did they know how much pain you endured? Did they ever wonder how scared you might be? I hate them all. I hate them for letting you waste away, while they pretended it was all perfectly normal. I have no good thoughts or happy endings, only a nightmare filled with pain and never ending sorrow. I want to see them suffer the way that you did...I want to take away their food and watch them suffer a long, slow and painful death. I want to take away the air that they breathe and watch them turn blue and suffocate, while being told they are "deconditioned" or "anxious." I want them to understand the pain and suffering they have caused in the name of finding cures, doing research and turning out more uncaring doctors who think they know everything.

“Revenge is a confession of pain" ~Latin Proverb

All the old knives that have rusted in my back, I drive in yours. ~Phaedrus

Bring You Down (Lyrics by Red Delicious)

Last night I had a revelation
Somehow I have to make you pay
It's all about manipulation
And what it takes to get my way
I don't believe in soft solutions
No one makes a fool of me
Without receiving retribution
No one hurts me and goes free
I'll play on your fears, I'll leave you in tears
You'll never be the same, my friend
You're walking a line, it's a matter of time
You'll never rest easy again
I've got the power to bring you down
I've heard it said, to err is human
It's forgiveness that's divine
I thought about forgiving you, but
I want revenge, I want what's mine
I think it's time to settle scores now
It's time to set the record straight
You'll know it's coming, you won't know how
Or when, you'll have to watch and wait
I'll play on your fears, I'll leave you in tears
You'll never be the same, my friend
You're walking a line, it's a matter of time
You'll never rest easy again
I've got the power to bring you down
You know, it feels intoxicating
To be intimidating
It's invigorating
To see you shaking
I've got the power to bring you down
You know something, you see it coming,
You know I will stop at nothing