Make A Wish

In the Mountains on A Summer Day by Li Po

(translated by Arthur Waley )

Gently I stir a white feather fan,
With open shirt sitting in a green wood.
I take off my cap and hang it on a jutting stone;
A wind from the pine-trees trickles on my bare head.

This poem reminds me of you Nick. I hope you are enjoying "a wind from the pine-trees today on what should have been your 29th birthday. I miss your sweet smile and your gentle heart. I miss standing next to my tall boy with his big feet and feeling you give me a great big hug. I miss your unconditional love. I miss you my sweet boy. Please come home soon, I need to hug your neck. Do they have birthdays where you are? Today, there are no candles glowing on a cake in celebration of your birth, only candles glowing in the darkness of your room, illuminating the night...in hopes that you will find your way home. I love you son. Mom

These Days

Dear Nickolas,
On the day before you birthday Nick, I think of you and I wonder what it would be like if you were still here. Your birth was such a joyous time. Now this day is forever marred by two horrible tragedy's, the terrorism of 9/11 and your death from lung failure. Why does there have to be so much pain, trauma, grief in this world? I don't understand any of it.

I think back to the day of your birth, twenty-nine years ago, and the hours leading up to your grand entrance into this world. When did I go into labor with you? I know it was eighteen hours of "natural" labor and childbirth that eventually culminated in your birth via C-section. Your dad is telling me it was at 2AM on Saturday, September 11th that my water broke and we rose up out of our beds to get ready to go to the hospital. The Oriole game had gone into extra innings, thirteen innings to be exact, so we had just gone to bed. Twelve hours later at about 2PM, I was hoping I would have a baby in my arms and I would be watching Miss America on TV. Things didn't quite work out like I expected....about the time Miss America was coming on TV, I was in an operating room getting prepped for a C-section. You were a big boy with a big head and you were a stubborn little thing even then. I guess you wanted to stay close to your Mama just a little longer before you came into the world to meet your Dad. Nickolas, I hold you in my heart ever still my sweet son, even as it lies broken in pieces that will not go back together no matter how hard I try. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. I miss you so much. I wanted to see what you were going to do with your life. I wanted to see your babies and be there grandma. Your life was cut short too soon my sweet son...you had so much to give this world.

If I have a monument in this world, it is my son. ~Maya Angelou