New Year Baby 2016

As another year begins without you Nickolas, I have nothing new to say.  Every year at this time, the memories of your last days here on earth haunt me.  It was between Christmas and New Year's in 2008 that we found out your BMT had failed and your leukemia had come back.  The devastation of that day...how bad you were feeling before they figured out what was going on...how bad we all felt knowing that the "new year" wasn't looking to bright for you and therefore, not for any of us.  I remember spending that New Year's Eve in a hospital room at Hopkin's trying to put a "good" face on the evil that was cancer.  I sat there with you and tried not to burst into a rage of anger and fear...watching you try to eat when you felt so bad. I remember it feeling very, very sad. And so today when I was in the book store looking for a book of poetry for you Dad's birthday, I stumbled upon this poem by Charles Bukowski.  And I read the whole poem and thought to myself, yes, yes...this is exactly it.  This is how I have felt since the day we got that phone call telling us you had leukemia.  I am so sorry my dear sweet son that you are not hear to celebrate with us and therefore, it seems I cannot celebrate either.   One happy memory I have of you and New Years'...I remember Nana told you about the New Year's baby coming down the rainbow at midnight and when you were little you were always looking for that baby.  You are my baby and I love you with all my heart and I will miss you until I take my last breath.  My heart is forever broken my sweet boy.  Please come home soon so I can hug your neck.  I love you more than a wagon full uf puppies.

with his awful teeth - Charles Bukowski

this dog Sadness is gnawing at me
again.
I sit in this room with a big hole
chewed in my
side.
all I want are some gentle moments
to fall like soft
raindrops.
they will not arrive.
this dog Sadness is a persistent
mongrel.
he finds me so often these days,
again and again.
he is here with me now.
"go on," he growls, "write your
poem about me,
it won't make me go
away."
he's right.
I stop and look at my
wristwatch,
follow the second hand around and around.
it leads me nowhere.
I am trapped here with this sad dog.
I make small movements,
light a cigarette,
rattle a box of
paper clips.
nothing changes.
this dog of Sadness
continues to
sit here with
me,
feeding greedily.
he is getting quite
fat.
you want a pet,
my friend?
I'll give him to you right
now
along with this
poem!
if only
you would
be kind enough to
take him away,
this
Sad
dog.