Bleeding Heart

Two days before the fourth of July you finally came off the breathing tube.
That first day was a joy because you were free of the tube down your throat and the breathing machine was gone.
You wanted to eat so badly.
You got your Marburg menu and had all your meals ordered and ready to go.
But, they would not let you eat until you had a test that proved you could swallow.
Even the small joy of eating was taken from you.
Why didn't I just let you eat?
Why didn't I tell them all to go to hell with their stupid rules?
What do they mean now?
Just heartache that I was part of denying you that precious nourishment that you needed so badly.
The next day you did not feel as strong. We waited so long for them to do the test.
By the time they did it, it was so late. You were so exhausted from breathing.
It was easy to forget that ugly beast while you were on the breathing tube.
I don't remember much about the day of July 4th last year.
I just know you were looking forward to watching the fireworks.
I wasn't sure it would happen, but, thanks to some wonderful nurses and respiratory therapists,
it did.
They rolled you in your bed with all the tubes, poles and oxygen over to another room where we could all watch the fireworks together.
You were so quiet.
I was so scared.
I remember sitting beside you and holding your hand.
I remember you did not say much.
Now I wonder, what were you thinking that night?
What were you feeling?
Were you scared too? Were you hungry? Did your belly hurt?
Did you know this would be the last time you would ever see fireworks?
Did you know this would be our last July 4th together?
I don't know what was going through your head or your heart.
July 4th will never be the same; it will always remind me of that time we spent on the fifth floor of the Weinberg building.
As we sat together watching the fireworks exploding and showering the night sky, somehow, the colors were not as brilliant and the joy was bittersweet.
I am so sorry my sweet boy. I miss you with all the pieces of my broken heart.