Tomorrow will be our second Thanksgiving without Nickolas.How can I begin to explain how horrible that feels? I have been having a rough time for quite a few weeks now. People ask me how I am and when I answer honestly and say, "I am not doing very well" they then ask me, "Why?"
I think to myself....Why? WHY? WHY? How can you ask me that?
Because my beautiful and wonderful son is still dead and I am coming to the horrid realization that this is a permanent situation! I barely remember last Thanksgiving or last Christmas. However, the fog is lifting and I am fully aware that another Thanksgiving is now upon me and my son is never, ever, going to be a part of another holiday. No more memories of Nickolas, no more photos of Nickolas, no more hugs from Nickolas, no more Christmas for Nickolas, and no more life with my sweet son. Holidays are usually a time of joy and happiness. Holidays are a time to gather and celebrate. When your child is gone the sadness is permanent. Celebrating the holiday is the last thing one wants to do. Mourning the loss of your child is a process and finding joy in life again takes a long time and a lot of patience and understanding from family, friends, and loved ones. It is hard to watch everyone smiling, laughing, having fun and carrying on the "normal" family rituals as if nothing has happened. It is hard when your heart is bleeding as if it is a fresh wound no matter how long it has been since your child has left this physical world.
One of the many mothers who lost her young son to cancer wrote the following on her Caring Bridge site today. She lost her sweet son James only ten months ago. This is her first holiday without him. I think her words say it so well.
"Today marks 10 months without James. I can't believe it has been almost a year without him. It seems longer at times, but in other ways, the months fly by. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and it will be our first without James. For the last two years, I have posted how thankful I am to have James in my life and in my arms. This year I do not feel very thankful. Yes, I know Michael and I are blessed to have Adeline, but she can never fill the whole in my heart that James left behind. She brings me so much joy, but the pain of not having James is still there. I just want both of my babies in my arms tomorrow, and I can't have that. It's funny how you learn to push the pain aside and live day to day, but you can't hide from it on the holidays. When anniversaries, milestones, or holidays come around, the pain is just as strong and fresh as the day we said goodbye to James. I am just hoping that tomorrow will go by fast, and that Adeline will keep me busy and distracted enough to make it through."
Another grieving Mom, Angie Prince, writes this blog with her husband, Tommy. They lost their beautiful daughter Merry Katherine four years ago in a car accident. They write about their grief journey every day from many different perspectives. Anyone who would like to learn more about those of us who are grieving the loss of a child, I urge you to read their blog as it will help you understand the magnitude of child-loss. With knowledge comes power and perhaps you will be able to find ways to help anyone you know (including me) who has lost a child. On this particular post Angie wrote a poem about the dread that is often felt when it comes to celebrating holidays after we have lost a child. I think Angie's poem says it beautifully.
Two days before "Thanksgiving"
With disgust in my heart--
For man-made festivities,
I don't want any part...
Who says we're to celebrate
On that specific day
When holidays infiltrate
thanks-givings ev'ry day!
How ~ for crying out loud,
Do I party in a crowd:
"Turkey's ready ~ Ham's a fryin' --
Will you ask her to stop cryin'?!"
"Good ~ everybody's here ~
Are you sad again this year?"
"Okay ~ it's time to draw names --
Your child's missing? We can't be blamed!"
"You don't have any time t' grieve today --
We've got to shop and buy all day!"
"Picture time ~ put on that smile...
It's holidays ~ forget that child!"
"Now let's take time to give thanks ~
We'll name our kids ~ Just leave yours blank..."
Uhmm... I can't come...I'm on a diet ~
I'll stay home, have...peace and quiet!
How thankful I am this year...
God comes close to catch each tear...
2 comments:
Diane
I havent wrote in forever but you, Glenn and Sara are never far from my thoughts day to day. I read your words and I feel your pain. To have to deal with the grief of Nicks death and yet continue to try to live your own live as fully as possible is not something I can imagine. Our children are not suppose to die, we expect to see them grow and mature. There is just a natural course of events and life cycles that we expect as parents. Death takes away all those hopes and dreams and leaves us so vulnerable.Im sure at times you feel like your on a journey that never really ends.
Today I give thanks for many things, one of which is having had you all as such wonderful neighbors. I'm glad our friendship has remained over all these years. I treasure my memories of Nick and I have many. Life it seems isnt always fair.
Wishing you peace and some light on your dark days.
the part you have highlighted in red is so true. you dont even realize how many holidays and milestones there are in a year until you are missing someone for every single one of them.
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