Spirit Doctors

Staring at a blank page,
How shall I begin?
When will it end.
The pain continues
the sorrow flows like an endless river through my world
The tears still fall,
the memories stab at my heart.
How will I ever forget?
How will I ever forgive those who hurt you?
How will I forgive myself?
When will it stop hurting so bad?
You are fading from me, and as you fade, the anger builds, the pain grows, like a poison slowly damaging my organs and leeching the life from my soul. What can I hope for? What is my future? I don't know. I don't care. On some level I cannot believe that you are really gone. How is that possible? How can it be that two years have passed? You have already missed so much Nick....how will I keep it all straight until I see you again? How much longer can I keep up this ridiculous facade? How long can I wear this mask that everyone talks about? Why do I have to be ok with this? Who actually is stupid enough to believe THAT somehow I am ok now?? Everyone "moves on"....each day someone new and more famous than you dies and there is some news coverage...then they are forgotten too. Being forgotten...is that the worst thing? How many marathons, scholarships, memorial pages need to be created? If I go to a medium will they let me know how you are doing? Why don't you talk to me? Why does everyone else have stories to tell and a multitude of signs that indicate there is an afterlife of some sort and that you are "closer to me now than ever?" Why does this seem like utter bullshit? How many more things can I do to keep you close, how many more butterfly pins, dragonfly pictures, lockets with your picture, books about loss and grief, websites with stories of magical healing and spirit doctors. Playing music that you will never hear. Looking into your room and seeing all your things. There is only pain there now...your phone still rings every now and then, Dr. Frisky calls? Why? Is it a sign? No just a wrong button pushed....no one calls you anymore Nick. Now on the downward slide to the holidays again. This will be the third year without you Nick. I can't do anymore of them. Already trying to figure out what excuses I can offer. How will I explain the unrelenting grip of this grief? Nothing with "happy" in front of it applies anymore. Sleepless nights and days filled with pointless activities. Sucked back into the vortex of an existence that has no meaning for me anymore. I cannot go forward and I cannot have you back. Trying not to think about the future, take one day at a time. Deal with the anger, the sadness; alternating with the awareness that most days I really don't give a shit about anything. Not to many care about what I do or don't give a shit about anyway. Looking in the mirror, wondering what has become of me...watching the sadness etch ever deeper lines on my face and sorrowful circles under my eyes. I feel very old and weary, carrying this burden of grief is exhausting work. Losing you Nick is beyond anything I ever imagined for my life. Why? Why? Why did this have to happen? Wishing I could just disappear into thin air...then maybe I could find you my son and we could start anew.

“I am not bound for any public place, but for ground of my own where I have planted vines and orchard trees, and in the heat of the day climbed up into the healing shadow of the woods.” Wendell Berry