On this, our fourth Christmas without Nickolas, I am longing for my son to be here with us. My heart cries out for him every day and there is no answer...only the silent echoes of pain and loss.
I sit alone here with the undecorated, unlit tree that was dragged down from the attic by Glenn and Sara. They didn't decorate it, they don't even plug it in. I don't know why they brought it down. The holiday has never been the same since I sat here in terror wondering if Nick's last Christmas would be his last....I wanted to be wrong so badly. When I went to my brother's house for a family gathering yesterday, I was taken aback by the stark contrast between our homes. It seems like the grief is palpable here....it colors everything we do and say and feel. I don't know how to change it...I don't know if I want to....I don't know anything.
I am lost. I am lost. I am lost.
“How could you go about choosing something that would hold the half of your heart you had to bury?” ~Jody Picoult
“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.” ~Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere
“Adam is crying and somewhere inside of me I am crying, too, because I'm feeling things at last. I'm feeling not just the physical pain, but all that I have lost, and it is profound and catastrophic and will leave a crater in me that nothing will ever fill.” ~Gayle Forman, If I Stay
“In time, in time they tell me, I'll not feel so bad. I don't want time to heal me. There's a reason I'm like this.
I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me. I won't smooth you away.
I can't say goodbye.” ~ China Mieville, The Scar
I love you always and forever my sweet boy. Please come home soon. Mom xo
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