Lost Identity

I've Joined The Circus

You are my heart.  I cry for you every night.
You would have been thirty years old on September 11, 2012.
But you will be forever 26. No more birthdays for you.
Mickey is wearing your hat. All your hats are still in your room.
Tim Sunny-Bear remembers days of love and laughter.
I found your teenage mutant Ninja turtle in the attic.
You were always such a sweet boy, full of joyful happiness and smiles.
I search for you everywhere.  All paths lead nowhere.
No matter how far I walk I cannot reach you.
Your belt is still on your bed with all the extra holes you punched in it so you could hold up your pants.
That belt reminds me of your emaciated frame and how hard it was to fight that cancer
that ravaged your body.
The pounds dropping away like the days of your life...
Shattered and broken, dark clouds swirling.
The bluebird of happiness died and he sings no more.
I have lost my faith...
There is no god that would let this happen to my sweet boy.
I wanted your  baby footprints...they threw them away.
I wanted your fingerprint....no one thought to ask.
Your dream catcher still hangs from the ceiling over your bed.
There are no more bad dreams for you my son.
No dreams of any kind...no future for you.
No future for me.
You are my sunset, my autumn leaves.
You are one of the most beautiful things I ever created.
When you left, all the pages in my book turned black and gray.
Everything is such a mess.
I only want you to come home. Please come home.
If you don't come home...
I am going to run away and find a place to start over.
I am going to find a place...
Where no one knows the depths of my sadness or my pain.

© big D 2013