And Gold Turns To Gray

So I have lost all track of time...I guess it doesn't matter.  This was the "mini-mental" Nick did when he was admitted for his bone marrow transplant.  I wanted to put these up on the dates that things happened.  I guess it doesn't matter....nothing seems to matter.  I remember that admission so clearly...that was only his second time "admitted" to the hospital.  Although he had spent most of the summer getting toxic chemicals shot into his spinal fluid via a lumbar puncture which left him completely incapacitated by horrible spinal headaches.  The fact that this was his "last" "healthy" summer seemed not to matter at all to those at the hospital we told about this unfortunate side effect.  I do remember one of the nurses "lecturing" or scolding me about my use of the word incapacitated, because I needed to be lectured or scolded. I think she thought it was her job at the time to let me know, Nick was in great shape compared to a lot of the other living corpses walking around that effing cancer center.  But she was wrong she didn't need to let me know that, cause I already knew what could happen and I prayed to God it wouldn't. How wrong I was about that!  And how I would have liked to take the nurse to Nick's death bed and ask her if his condition qualified now?  I just wanted my son to be able to enjoy the time he had before all the effing shit hit the proverbial fan.  Shouldn't someone have figured out that all he needed was a small dose of steroids added to the chemical cocktail to eliminate the headaches (like they figured out the next time he had to go through it which would be in January 2009 when his leukemia relapsed in his spinal fluid)!!!!  The bottom line is they didn't care.  Nick was just a number to most of the people...especially in those early days.

On this admission,  although we were all very scared, at that time we still had hope.  Hope that everything would be alright and Nick would come through the BMT alive and hope the BMT would actually work and rid Nick's body of the leukemia.  On that admission, this is what Nickolas wrote....

 "The sea calls and the wind blows strong."

At the time we had no idea....what was coming.

“A sailor chooses the wind that takes the ship from a safe port. Ah, yes, but once you're abroad, as you have seen, winds have a mind of their own. Be careful, Charlotte, careful of the wind you choose.” 
~Avi, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle

“For example, the wind has its reasons. We just don't notice as we go about our lives. But then, at some point, we are made to notice. The wind envelops you with a certain purpose in mind, and it rocks you. The wind knows everything that's inside you. And not just the wind. Everything, including a stone. They all know us very well. From top to bottom. It only occurs to us at certain times. And all we can do is go with those things. As we take them in, we survive, and deepen.”  
 ~Haruki Murakami  "Hear The Wind Sing"

The sun shone high those few summer days
Left us in a soft, wide-eyed haze
It shone like gold
It shone like gold

But just as the moon it shines straight
So dawn goes down today
No gold can stay
No gold can stay

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold

What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

We're on our way through rugged land
Top of that mountain we wanted to stand
With hearts of gold
With hearts of gold

But there is only forward, no other way
Tomorrow was your hope at the end of the day
And gold turns gray
And gold turns gray

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold

What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

All of my dreams, they fall and form a bridge
Of memories where I can get back
All of my dreams, they fall and form a bridge
Of memories where I can't get back to you

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold

What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

Could stay gold
Stay gold

(Song:  Stay Gold  by First Aid Kit)