It'is my dead son's birthday. Today, Nickolas would have been 35 years old. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have my son here with me today. I wonder what we would be doing. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder if he would be married yet. I wonder if he would have any children of his own? I wonder if he would still be working as a chemical engineer. I wonder if he would still live nearby. I wonder if he would still like to eat great food and hang out with his friends. I wonder if he and his sister would still be best buds. I wonder if he would still like playing guitar. I wonder if we would be able to play guitar together. I wonder if he would still be going to concerts. I wonder if he would still be an Oriole fan. I wonder if he would still be working with EWB and traveling the world to help others in need. I wonder so many things. All pointless...I will never have the answers to these questions. Now I wonder if it will ever stop hurting. I wonder when I will stop being so sad all the time. I wonder when my life will really implode. I wonder how much longer I can keep searching for meaning in a meaningless and tragic situation. I wonder when the yearning to see my son again will stop. I wonder when the void that his death has left in my heart and soul will ever be filled. I wonder why I so rarely dream about my sweet boy. I wonder why he never comes to me. I wonder if I will ever feel joy in my life again. I wonder why life has to be so fucking unfair to so many people. I wonder when the anger, resentment, and bitterness in my soul will consume me and put an end to this misery. I wonder who cares about this and if they do care what can they do about it. I am tired of wondering.
Starving
Death brings a feast of
heartache and melancholy,
bitterness and pain.
© bigD 2017
Child loss is a tortuous death. (Six word story)
© bigD 2017
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