Balancing Act

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” Alex Tan

Life is a precarious balance right now, one misstep and everything may come unraveled. Nick is still on the breathing machine, but Monday was a quiet day and there were no untoward events. Nick had another chest CT scan done on Monday. The critical care transport team took him to the Weinberg scanner (not the one that is a mile away) and Nick did very well. Nick has actually been very awake, despite getting mega amounts of sedation. He is not always able to remember everything, but, he is able to comprehend very well. Nick has been communicating by writing on a pad of paper. This takes a lot of energy and time but he's doing it. He is fully aware that he is on the breathing tube but he doesn't understand everything that has happened in the past five days that have led him to this place. At times he wakes from sleep and he is confused and a little dazed, but, it doesn't take long before he gets oriented and is calling for his pencil and pad. He actually wrote the he wants the "full run down" on the last few days...I told Nick that I will gladly fill him in when he is off the sleepy medicine so he can actually remember what I tell him. And there is so much, it is just too overwhelming to hear while you are loopy on meds that won't let you remember.

The CT scan did show an area of schmutziness in the right lower lobe. This could be infection or old junk that is stuck down there. So tomorrow the pulmonary doctors will be looking down into Nick's lung with a scope to see if they can get some of it out of there to open up this lobe of the lung and send specimens for testing. This could be what is keeping Nick from getting off the ventilator. My theory is that when he had the seizure he aspirated into his lungs and that has now turned into a pneumonia. Regardless, if it is a pneumonia, they may be able to get more specific on the type of bug that is causing it and treat it more aggressively. This bronchoscopy will be done in Nick's room and should only take twenty minutes or so from start to finish. The doctors don't seem to be too worried about Nick undergoing this test, I hope and pray they are right. I guess there is a chance that they might try to get Nick off the tube tomorrow, but, it is too early to tell yet. We will have to see how things go with the bronchoscopy procedure. What they find and how he tolerates the scoping will determine how fast things progress going forward.

In the meanwhile, Nick has been talking about all the food he wants. He has been writing so many things that he wants to eat like doughnuts (from Fractured Prune), coffee, oyster stew (who knew Nick liked oyster stew??), Chipotle and more. Tonight, it broke my heart (and made me cry all the way to the car) when I had given Nick a kiss and said good night when he signaled that he wanted to write. He asked me to bring him an "everything bagel" for the morning. I guess he forgot that he can't eat while he has the breathing tube in and I guess he has had it for so long, he is almost used to it in some crazy way. It is so sad...cause in a way, I think the ventilator helps him breathe easier and he is feeling hungry, and he is on a bunch of loopy medicine, so it makes perfect sense for him to be asking me to bring him some breakfast food. And it makes me so sad that I can't do that for him right now. Soon, please God, soon.

It is late and I must go to bed. Tomorrow will be another long day. I just wanted to let every one know that Nick is still fighting! He seemed in a little better place emotionally, although, I can tell he is still very anxious and still very tired of this whole breathing tube thing. I will try to update again soon. In the meanwhile, thank you to everyone for you continued prayers, support and good vibes. I had some wonderful moments with Nick today. I am thankful for every moment I get to spend with this wonderful man who is my son.

“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” Walter Bagehot