Big Smile Nick

I wish I could make this picture bigger so everyone could see the beautiful man that is my son. This is my Nick...tall and handsome, strong and healthy. Nick with his crazy, curly, impossibly thick hair. Nick with a big smile...happy and living every moment with joy and happiness.

As I sit here in Nick's dark room at 4AM in the morning, unable to sleep because there is nowhere to lie down that does not create pains in every joint I own, I still cannot believe that this is really happening to my son. Now he sleeps, his only solace lately. And yet, even in sleep his breathing is labored. You can't hear it, but, you can see it. The chest rising and falling with jagged stutters and stops. Not at all the smooth in and out we all take for granted every day. The breaths per minute always too high, still wearing that damned plastic oxygen mask. Still fighting to stay alive, valiant even in sleep. Yesterday morning and tonight, I find him suddenly slowing his breathing, too shallow, too slow, then his heart rate begins to go down way lower than it has ever been in recent months. There is a name for this kind of breathing, it is called Cheyenne-Stokes respirations. Nick sleeps right through this rhythmical high and low breathing, seemingly unaware of the fight his body is having to keep precious oxygen pumping to his body. Why, oh why, must his lungs be broken?

Today, Nick will go for this ghastly lung biopsy. I dread it with every fiber of my being. I don't know if this is the right choice, but, it was Nick's choice and he has made it. We are all still praying for a miracle to come from this. We all want him to be well in the worst way. The past 13 days have been hell. To watch Nick suffer this latest insult on his body has been truly painful and makes my heart just break in two. I want to believe that the doctors will find something to fix and all that he has to go through will be worth it in the end. I don't know how I will forgive myself if he has to suffer anymore.

Nick is not scheduled until 3PM so it will be a very long day and we won't know anything until later in the evening. Because it is a weekend, the tests won't even be back until Tuesday at the earliest. In the meanwhile, I hope and pray that Nick will sail through this whole thing with flying colors. At best this will be a huge test of Nick's strength and willpower. He has been a fighter for so long, I just need to know he has another round in him. I wouldn't blame him for throwing in the towel, but, that is not our Nick.

Lately, Nick has been so exhausted that even thinking has been tough and there is always way too much to think about. So for now, I must sign off. I am going to go and hold my son and keep him safe for at least a few more hours. If only a mother's love could cure cancer and all its horrible complications. Then my beautiful son would be well and truly healed.