The Dark Things

Dreams In The Dusk

Dreams in the dusk,
Only dreams closing the day
And with the day's close going back
To the gray things, the dark things,
The far, deep things of dreamland.

Dreams, only dreams in the dusk,
Only the old remembered pictures
Of lost days when the days' loss
Wrote in tears the heart's loss.

Tears and loss and broken dreams
May find your heart at dusk.

~Carl Sandburg

Today has been a horrible day...I have spent so much time crying and grieving for my son. I have never felt such emotional pain. I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful wishes and support. I have no doubt I would not get through this without my family and friends to take care of me through this process. Today Nick was brought from Hopkins to a funeral home (by law the body of the deceased must make an appearance at the funeral home, no matter what kind of burial or funeral you want). I am having such a difficult time letting go of Nick's physical body. I had to see him just one more time. And so I did! And it was good! It was important to me to make sure that I stay with him right through to the end of this process (and I also wanted to make sure that all those damn tubes were taken out of him, and they were!) Glenn & I read him some letters that we wrote to him that we hope will soothe and comfort him. I gave him a card to take with him on his journey (and the letters) so he can read them again when he gets to his first happy place. At this hour, the cremation will be over and I will no longer have my boy to hold in my arms, to give me a hug, to dazzle me with that joyful smile, or to tell me how much he loves me. The pain of that loss is really quite unbearable right now.

Nick did not want a viewing in the traditional sense, so we are not having one. There are plans for a celebration of his life which is in the spirit of what Nick would want. There are NO set plans at this time, but, we are considering having something on his birthday of September 11th. I had hoped to get him to his one year anniversary of his bone marrow transplant and certainly to his next birthday. But, it was not meant to be. More importantly, I wanted him to be "better" on his birthday so he could really celebrate and return some normalcy to his life. I tried so hard to get him to his goal. He only just wanted to be better!!! Once again the "dark things" managed to steal this away from him and all of us. I HATE THE DARK THINGS! I know it will take time for me to get past the dark things and I am trying really hard to remember the good things. It is just that it hurts so much and I cannot bear it. I love you Nick...I miss you beyond measure.