Magpie comes a calling.
Drops a marble from the sky.
Tin roof sounds alarming
"Let this be a warning"
says the magpie to the morning.
Don't let this fading summer pass you by. ~Nickolas Pippen
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up to 0400. I don't know why. Before I went to bed I went into Nick's room and placed my hands on what is left of my son and cried and cried. Each day I move through the house searching for things that will keep Nick close to me...pictures, clothing, scraps of paper with his handwriting on them, anything that is a tangible reminder that he was here and he was our beautiful son. I thank God he had a little of that pack rat gene, for he has saved a lot of things that are sentimental mementos of his love for others and their love for him. I am haunted by doubt and thoughts of uncertainty. I often ask myself, "What have I done?" There have been no signs, no divine interventions, no miracle visions, no spirit horses riding through the sky. I do not often have dreams, but, the other day I dreamed (or made up in my head) that I was in the airport and I couldn't find Nick. I was distraught and crying, sitting there not knowing what to do when a soldier came up and asked me if I was alright and if I needed any help. I made it up in my head that Nick sent him to me. I found the poem above on the back of a random list in Nick's box of papers. The lyrics to this song were inside a card Nick had received from a true and loving friend. I treasure each new discovery and consider each one a special gift. What I wouldn't give to have my wonderful son back with me again. I love you Nickolas and I miss you so.
"You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, when you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself... everything is."
9 comments:
Tonight has been the worst so far, I think. Cannot sleep at all and miss you guys so much. I hurt with every inch of my body and hope you know how much I love you guys. I don't know how this will ever stop hurting
Dear Diane,
You do not have to search for things that remind you of Nick. You have 26 years of love for him right in your heart. He will ALWAYS be there. Your dream is not something you made up. It truly was Nick telling you he is okay. I lost my dad a year ago, and I have had several dreams about him and he tells me he is okay. I know Nick is going to do that with you. The bond was so great between the 2 of you, I know he will let you know. Diane, Nick is living in the people's lives that he touched. What a truly special young man that influenced the lives of some many people in such a short time. God must have thought Nick's mission here was done. He did some pretty remarkable things. God realized just how special Nick was, and wanted Nick with him. Nick is now an angle at peace watching out for you from heaven. It doesn't make the hurt go away, it never will, but you gave him everything, and now he is at that happy place you wished for him so long. I pray in time the sun will shine for you again.
Love,
Mary e.
Dear Diane,
Please, when you wonder "What have I done?", remember that you did what you had to do. Because Nick was so young, he wouldn't have accepted anything less than trying it all and fighting until the end. You will never have to wonder "Should we have tried this?", or "Did we give up too soon?". Because he had two very rare types of leukemia, all of his treatments were trials, but what would have been the alternative? The Lord knows you never gave up and someday I hope that will bring you comfort. Now his spirit lives as forever young, beautiful and healthy. That is "what you have done". You supported him with love and helped him to move to this heavenly place.
Love,
Vicki T.
Big D,
Continuing to think of you and the whole family. Ms. Mary & Ms. Vicki are exactly right with what they wrote :) Just try and take it one hour/day at a time. You will get through this, and we're all here to support you along the way.
We love you,
Sarah
The light of a distant star CONTINUES to reach the earth long after the star itself is gone. In the same way, the LIGHT and LOVE your son Nick gave will continue to SHINE in many hearts. I am thanking God for your son Nick's life, and thinking of you during this difficult time.
Debbie Carson
Big D,
I haven't commented yet because I could not find the words to say. I still cannot. Nick has such an amazing spirit that will continue to live on forever.. Know that he will always be with you, his incredible mom. You have been like a second mom to me and I am astonished by the love and hope that you give to everyone that knows you.
Cry your thousand oceans, because Nick is sailing home.
Love always,
Sarah K
Dear Diane,
I have not ever read any other blogs and didn't even really know what they were until I started reading yours.
It is a wonderful thing to be able to log on everyday and feel connected in some way to you and so many others. When we moved away from Maryland, we lost that for a long time.
It truly moves me to read all the wonderful things people have written to you, especially the people we knew and have missed for over 3 years. It just warms my heart knowing that they are all still there for you and I wish we could be as well.
Thank you for creating this blog and sharing your innner most private thoughts and personal life. We have all learned so much from you and your family. I pray that somehow this blog and being able to use your writing skills and talent will continue to help you in some way. Thank you for letting us reach out to you and let you know how much we care. I hope you will continue to take us on this next phase of your journey with you. We will continue to pray for you and your family and Kate.
Love and Hugs.
Hugs, Barbara, Jill and Kelsey too.
Vicki T.
Dearest Diane,
Please try to remember that each time you start to think, "What have I done?", you gave Nick every inch of your being. You blessed him with more love, support, courage, and strength than any one person could ever imagine! He does, and always will, live forever in your hearts!
While I didn’t know him well, I know Nick was God’s special angel here on earth - an “old soul,” full of knowledge, faith, and love beyond his years. His kindness and grace touched many lives and that will forever live on as his legacy. Nick IS in Heaven watching over you, Glenn, Sarah & Kate, and each time you find one of those "special items" in his room, remember he is showing you the way by letting you know he is with you always.
Love always,
Pam, Charlie, Charlie and Alyssa
I am crying and praying and loving you from afar.
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