I picked this picture because it is dark, but it also has its own beauty. If you look closely you can see it. Nick wanted to be buried under a tree. This is the kind of tree I picture. He is not buried under a tree. His ashes are with me. I don't know when I will be able to let him go. Maybe in the spring. Maybe never.Every day I miss Nick more than words can express. The pain never goes away. I might not be thinking about it for a brief stretch of time, but, it never goes away. I am fully convinced it never will. I cry every day...random thoughts, visions, pictures, music, stories, will send me straight to my dark place and my heart will hurt so much. I feel like I will never fill this void, no matter how hard I try. I don't really want to fill it.
I WANT MY SON BACK. I am still retreating. I don't want this reality that I must face every single freaking day. I continue to go through each day as I guess I must. I don't want to do anything. I want to lay in my bed and drown in my own sorrow, but, then I might get accused of not "allowing my grief to change." God for-effing-bid that I should get stuck in some crazy phase of grief, like a needle sticking on a record and scarily repeating over and over until everyone gets so fricking sick of it that they tear the needle off the record player and break the record into a thousand pieces. Did I mention I WANT MY SON BACK!" I want to be happy again, I want to look forward to watching his life unfold. I want to see him get married and have kids and live his life. I want to see everything he is going to do with all that good humor and intelligence. I want to see him teasing his sister and rough housing with his Dad. I want to be able to look forward to the upcoming holidays instead of DREADING them. I don't want memories, I WANT NICK TO COME HOME. I want to wake up in the morning and not have my first thought be that my son is still gone. I want to walk by his room and see his smiling, not the box filled with his ashes. Can anyone out there imagine that kind of pain? I hope you never have to know.
I remember the time right after his BMT when I had to go in and give him his medicine in his IV and I think about how he always told me he loved me and thanked me for taking such good care of him and then I just cry and cry. I miss him so much. I just want to go back. I want a re-do and I can't have one. I cannot accept that. I cannot fathom my world without him. I still feel like a zombie. Went for a stress test the other day...chest pain. Back in a hospital, sitting there waiting, memories of my time spent with Nick flooding back...wheelchairs with oxygen, hospital beds rolling down hallways with patients buried up to their ears in equipment; holding back the tears until I can get to my car. Stress test was normal. Really? Hey, that's great, don't give a crap anyway. I guess the scanners don't pick up on hearts with big holes in them.
I said to my soul be still, and wait without hope;
For hope would be hope of the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the the wrong thing; there is yet faith.
But the faith, and the love, and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
For the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. ~T.S. Elliot
8 comments:
Dear Diane,
You are right, no one can imagine your pain and suffering., No one can bring Nick back to you physically, but you can have him spiritually. The memories that haunt you will one day bring you joy. No, it is not like having Nick sitting next to you holding your hand, but it is Nick through the love in your heart. No one can take that away. He is always with you and as time goes by, the pain will not go away, but it will not be so unbearable. Diane, you have to take care of yourself, I do not think your husband and daughter can take much more either. They need you, so please take care of you! None of this is fair, it just stinks, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better, it never will be the same, but to honor NIck you have to find the strength to move forward. You know that is what he would want you to do. I know it is so easy for me to say that, I have my son here with me, but Diane, so many people love you and none of this is right, but sadly it is what it is and we are all praying you continue to amaze us with your love and your strength.
I will continue to pray for you to find some joy again!
Mary E.
Dear Diane,
I'm sorry it hurts so much, but that's because you loved so much. I wish we could bring Nick back to you. I wish this was a nightmare you could wake up from. It just sucks. Life is not fair and sometimes things just suck. I love you. I'm always here for you all. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Remember that you go on to honor Nick who fought for and loved life. You are not just honoring his memory, but by living you are honoring what it was he fought for. Love, Miss Vic
Seester, I said I would post, so here I am posting. I am happy to see other posts as well. The thing is, as I am reading your heart breaking, that there is nothing anyone can say to make your heart stop hurting. When I read your words, I think to myself, "Now what am I going to say that will make her feel better, make the ache go away, bring a smile to her face?" And the answer is always, nothing....there is nothing to say that will make it any different, that could give you one more minute with Nick. And that makes me sad. All I can say is I love you, and will keep walking this horrible journey with you as much as I can from 500 miles away.
Dear Diane,
I wish you didn't have to live this nightmare.
Remember, you can grieve any way you want to. And you can retreat as long as you want to. And you don't have to celebrate the holidays at all if you don't want to, no matter what anyone says.
It hasn't been very long, take all the time you need.
As for your physical health, you know it has taken a beating and will continue until you start to feel better.
I know this sounds corny, but take a walk outside whenever you can even if it is just for 15 minutes. It's the best thing for your heart physically and might surprise you and help a little in other ways.
Love,
Vicki T.
Sending support. Keep writing, keep expressing. I wish I had some magic words for you and there just are none. I send you support and am thinking of you.
Hockeychic hit it on the head. Love you.
Diane, I am thinking of you today and everyday. Wow, this has really been hard on you. It is the most difficult time a mother can have. I agree about the holiday, don't worry about them. Take care of yourself and protect yourself and do what is best for you at this time. Please know that I am here for you and if you feel like taking a ride to the beach please come and visit. Always, Linda
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