Sorrow Walked With Me

Last Thanksgiving seems so long ago. Nick was here with us. He was still recovering from his bone marrow transplant. He was out of the hospital and although it had been a rough couple of months in the IPOP, Nick seemed to be headed in the right direction. Nick was feeling pretty good and I remember he had a pretty enjoyable time hanging out with family and just being Nick. He even played some basketball!! I remember freaking out when he came in all winded and short of breath, but, he was happy. I wish I could say that there were more happy times to come. I wish I was going to have the future with my son that I always dreamed I would have, that all of us dreamed we would have. Those dreams and hopes are gone forever and yet, I am still having trouble comprehending this reality. I am sure I will never be the same. Words cannot express how I continue to miss my sweet son. To me it doesn't matter what day it is, what holiday it might be. Thanksgiving is no different than any other day. I miss my son to the core of my being, it is an ever present force in my life, a hole in my heart, an ache in my chest, and a pervasive sadness that colors everything in my world. Today as Glenn fixed dinner, I thought of Nick and how he would have helped his Dad peel potatoes or cut celery. I thought of how Nick would have so enjoyed being with his family this year and sitting down together to eat such a wonderful meal. He so loved his food after all he went through with his illness. We all wanted Nick to be with us this year. We wanted him to be on the mend and healed. We wanted so much for Nick to be able to move forward with his life, for he had so much to give and he was so willing to give it. We wanted him to be here with us forever and always.

I love you my beautiful son. I miss you with all of my heart. I long to hold you in my arms and never, ever, let you go.

"Along the Road"

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chattered all the way.
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things
I learned from her
When Sorrow
Walked with me.

~ Robert Browning, Poet