Tears On My Pillow

I cry a lot. "They" say that crying is a good thing. Sometimes I cry so much I can't cry anymore. So for a little while I don't cry. Then as if by magic, I start crying all over again. I am not afraid to cry. I know I need to cry. I have boxes of Puffs Plus strategically placed around my house. I am sure to bring tissues whenever I venture away from the house. Here is some good stuff about crying from a book I am reading called "A Time To Grieve" by Carol Straudacher.

1. "The tears we cry when we are sad have a different chemical make-up than the tears we cry when we are not sad."

2. "Crying from sadness gets rid of toxins in the body." Good! I never much cared for toxins.

3. "Crying is nature's way of releasing stress and helping me to heal." Based on the buckets of tears I am crying, I should be well on my way to being "healed." Why don't I feel like I am any better?

4. "It can be harmful to suppress one's need to cry." I feel fortunate that most times I can cry. I do feel that I have to suppress the tears when I am out and about. But anywhere I am alone is a good time to cry...the car, the shower, public restrooms. I used to cry a lot in the bathroom at the Hop. I always used to think of it as the "confessional" on MTV's Real World show, only without the cameras.

5. "Deep sadness and bouts of crying go together." These crying jags may seem endless but they will run their course.

6. Following the death of a loved one, "there is a well of feelings that resides in each of us. We must dip down into that well and pull and pull until EVERYTHING has been pulled to the surface." Crying helps to get those feelings out of the well. "By unleashing the feelings that cause me to cry, I am helping them to gradually dissipate, to lose their power. I am setting them free so that I, too, may one day be released from grief's torment."

I sometimes wonder how I will ever stop crying. The grief and sadness I feel are sometimes overwhelming. People see me and think I am doing OK. They have no idea what I am going through. I wish I could help them understand. I guess this is the best I can do right now. I do take solace and comfort in the books I am reading...they put what I am feeling into words and help me see the depth of the well and the reasons for all the emotions and feelings that are in that well. If the depth of the well is proportional to the love I have for my sweet boy, well, that is a damn deep well. Will I ever be able to pull everything up from that well? How many tears will I cry?

"The emotions may be endless. The more we express them,
the more we may have to express." ~E. M. Forster

"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly." ~C. N. Bovee