This is Nick on his way to radiation via wheelchair with one of his favorite nurses. On this date last year, Nick made his last trip to the basement of the cancer center! Nick was only supposed to get twelve treatments, but, they decided to make it a baker's dozen and he had to go for thirteen treatments instead. This was hospital day #25 and poor Nick was totally wiped out and exhausted. Of course the biggest part of this fatigue, weight loss, and lack of energy, had to do with the deterioration of his lung capacity. At this point, the doctors hadn't even done the pulmonary function tests yet, so they had no clue how BAD his lungs were. I really don't know how he did it. It is surely a testament to Nick's will power and his ability to put mind over matter. God bless his heart and soul. When I think of all he went through it is just agonizing for me. I try not to think about it all the time, but, right now, this is what I am doing. I have to do this. I don't understand why, but, I just know. There is so much to process and I have to find a place to put all this pain, all the bad things that happened to Nick that I had to witness and I was powerless to control. Pictures like the one below bring back those memories and all the emotional pain that goes with watching your child go through something like this.
Looking at Nick's head locked into this horrible device, seeing his body wasting away, while trying to figure out how to fix his "broken wings" is devastating to me and I have already lived it once. The anger that I feel toward all the people who kept telling me how "fine" he was, the people who basically ignored this breathing issues for months, the people who didn't think his weight loss was an issue, the people who didn't' really care about Nick at all. God how that hurts. I tried to protect Nick and I failed. Please no need to respond to that...this is a natural feeling for parents who have lost a child. We are wired to protect our children and when that does not happen, we feel like we have failed. I know what I did and my brain knows that I did not fail my son, it is just my heart that does not want to follow. I don't expect people to understand this journey, I only hope you will try to walk along with me for a while and offer your love and support, because that is what I need to get through this darkness and come out on the other side.
“Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark, And shares the nature of infinity”
William Wordsworth“You must submit to supreme suffering in order to discover the completion of joy”
John Calvin
3 comments:
Dear Diane,
My God how Nick tolerated all that he did is amazing. My heart is breaking for you. I understand that feeling of failure. You know you did all you could, but the bottom line is you could not make it better, and that haunts you. The brain processes the truth, but the heart can not accept things. I understand that. I can imagine looking at those pictures brings back all of that pain and despair. It hurts me to see that, but you know Diane, people will understand more by seeing this. I thought I had an idea how horrible things were but not really until you see the pictures. I am sorry, but the doctors that told you Nick was find are bastards. How could anyone think Nick was not doing to bad. They said that to cover up the mistake by not listening to you when you told them the November before Nick's breathing was off. Diane on this Friday we reflect of Jesus's suffering. Nick suffered also and I know he is rejoicing being in heaven. He had a great mom on this earth, and he went from your loving arms to God's.
Thank you for sharing the pictures. As horrible as they are to look at, it makes me appreciate even more the strength you, you family, Kate, and mostly Nick had. God bless you all.
Love,
Mary E.
The photos of Nick are heart breaking,especially the last one. You told us about that but I really didn't understand.
We're still walking with you Diane.
No words, just silent tears looking at these photos. Continuing to send support.
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