Light Up The Sky

It is hard for me to understand how an entire year has passed since Nick has left this world. My heart is forever broken and I somehow know I will live with the pain of this loss forever. I miss Nickolas more than words can say. This picture is a good one of Nick and Katie K. I love Nick's hair and his wonderful smile. I love seeing how tall he is and how healthy he looks in this picture. It makes me sad for all the things that will never be. I mourn for the future we all lost, the new memories of times with Nick we will never have. It is hard living with only past memories. It is hard to think my memory will fail me and I won't remember his face, his smile, his voice, like I want to, always and forever.

For the one year anniversary of Nick's death, August 13th, Glenn & I went to the beach and we took Nick with us. Sara decided she did not want to be on the beach for that day so she spent the day with a friend at home. Sara chose of a fitting celebration of a "Day of Eating." I know Nick would love this because he loved to get his eat on and that was something that was taken away from him for so long when he was sick. Glenn & I drove down to Ocean City on Thursday night and then on Friday, we had a one day remembrance that was quiet and serene.

I was not sure what I wanted to do for Nick on this day. I only knew I wanted to do something. My sister Barbara figured out how to make a Loi Krathong. It is a custom in Thailand and you make a raft like platform that holds flowers, candles and incense and then you send it off on the water. Without getting into all the detail, we launched the Loi Krathong at dusk on the bay side while the sun was setting. We were not sure if it would float, but, it did and Glenn & I, Barbara and Nick's grandfather, all stood and watched as it floated out into the bay. We watched it for as long as we could. It was very peaceful and beautiful.

Earlier in the day I had set my phone to alarm at the exact time of Nick's passing. We had been busy that day doing lots of things that Nick loved to do and I wanted to be on the beach at that exact time. We had gone to eat breakfast at Jimmy's, then we went to visit with Nick's grandma, then we hung out at grandpa's and made the Krathong. Then we all packed up and went to the beach around 5:15PM or so. We took some chairs and a blanket. Nick's grandpa took a cigar to smoke in Nick's honor. (Nick's good friend Barrett mentioned that he would have a "black & mild" burning in Nick's memory that day.) We actually took Nick with us everywhere that day and so he was off to the beach with us. It had been cloudy and overcast most of the day, but, it wasn't raining, so we were happy to be able to get on the beach.

We had just arrived on the beach and set-up our spot when my phone alarm went off. It was 5:40PM, the time of Nick's death. Almost at that exact moment, Glenn called out, "Look there's a rainbow!" We all looked up to see a beautiful rainbow peeking through the clouds. I was amazed. We all got teary and cried. It seemed like Nick was letting us know that he was happy to finally be on the beach with us and that he was enjoying our little celebration. The rainbow persisted for quite a while and even came and went a few times. I am not one to really believe in "signs" but I felt the timing of this one was just too much to be a coincidence. These things don't happen often, so I can only cling to the hope that somehow Nick is still with us and he will let us know whenever he is able.

On Sunday, August 15th, Glenn & I took Nick to the mountains. We traveled quite a fur piece, all the way to Boone, NC to see Grandfather Mountain. It was a nine hour car ride and it was hot, humid and rainy almost the entire time. We came home a day early because I couldn't be away from home any longer. I still get very antsy when I am away from home, I don't know why. I feel better now that I am here. I had quite a few meltdowns during the trip. It is quite overwhelming to accept that "life goes on" and it has been a year and somehow I am still alive and breathing. There are lots of days when I don't want to be here anymore. I am only in the infancy of this grief. That is hard to face also. I wonder how long I will feel this horrible pain? How many more days, weeks, months, years? When will I understand why this had to happen to our beautiful, sweet boy? How is it possible to miss someone so much and why does it hurt so badly?

I love you always and forever my sweet son. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Please come home. Mom

P.S. - We also bought some Wish Lanterns that we wanted to send up into the sky, but, it was too windy. We hope to be able to send them up on Nick's birthday. They look so beautiful and I want Nick to see them and know that we are missing him and loving him so much. They are 99.9% biodegradable and the next time we order them they have new ones that are 100%. The same was true of the Krathong, we didn't want Nick to get upset that we were messing with the eco-universe. Not sure what I want to do for Nick's birthday, still thinking on that.

P.S.S. - Next post, I will try to put up some pictures that we took. Also, I will be putting up some info on Max's Fun Run that will be happening on Nick's birthday out in San Diego. I will be posting Max's story and I am hoping to get everyone to donate to Max's Ring of Fire instead of doing the donations for Light The Night Walk this year. More explanation soon.

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

His high endeavors are an inward light
That makes the path before him always bright.
~William Wordsworth