No More Birthdays Dearest Son

Nickolas should be here to celebrate his 28th birthday with his family, his friends, with his Mama, with his Papa, and his beautiful sister, Sara. Instead, Nick is not here. Nick is gone forever. I am at a loss to find a fitting way to celebrate this second birthday without my son, without our sweet Nickolas. No more cake, no more presents, no more birthday cards. I was in the card store the other day and I couldn't even look at the birthday cards for sons. My son will never have another birthday here in this earthly world. How will this hole in my heart, my life ever be filled? I have no answers. The longing to see my son, to have him come back home never ends. The pain is always with me. Below are the words I wrote to Nick on his 26th birthday in September of 2008. It seems so long ago...Nick was in the hospital recovering from his bone marrow transplant. We were so hopeful for a new beginning, little did we know the pain and suffering that was to come.

To my dearest Nickolas,

Where have the years gone?
It seems like only yesterday I first held you in my arms,
a bright-eyed, curious creature, my first-born, my son.

I will always look at you through a mother's eyes.
You will always be my baby.
I will always try to protect you from harm.
I will always feel horrible when I don't succeed.

I wish I could take this burden from you.
And still, I will be there for you always and forever.
No matter what may come our way.
You can lean on me for I am strong. I am your Mom.
Together, there is no obstacle we cannot move.

I will always love your beautiful face, your hazel eyes,
your big smile and your open heart.
You are a gentle and kind soul.
Your passion for life and adventure will carry you far.
Your compassion for others will guide your journey.
Your spirit is strong and will sustain you through this time.
I am so proud of you.

On this September 11th day, as you fight for a new beginning,
I think back to the miracle of life that was your birth.
Oh, to finally have you in my arms!
Your birthday was a day of joy and promised a future full of hope.

You have grown up into a wonderful man.
You have always been a loving son.
Know that I will love you always and forever.
Happy 26th Birthday, my beautiful son.

I miss you today just as I have missed you every moment of every day since you left this world. Please come home my sweet boy. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Mom