Time Is Spinning Silk

My beautiful son
You are gone forever now
Never to return.

© big D 2013

Another holiday ticks
off the calender.
I do not live.
I merely exist.
Who gives a fuck about
the holidays?
I don't care about any of it.
It seems there is nothing
that can take away the pain
of losing you.
There was a glimpse of light, a healing spirit
For a brief moment in time
Where I thought I might actually understand
about this thing called "hope."
But then the light was snuffed out,
Just like your life,
And it was gone.
I am resigned to living in black and grey.
There is no color in my world.
I am tired and have no strength to fight.
I do not want to be judged.
I do not want to be lectured.
I do not want to be told what to do, or think or say...
My son is dead....
I just want it to stop hurting.
How will it ever stop hurting?

“There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter. We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, too much pain. Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call and answer in extraordinary ways.” 

~ Mother Teresa

“At some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze.”   ~John Green

“If there was a God, he'd guide the winds, let them blow for me so that, with a tug of my string, I'd cut loose my pain, my longing.”   ~Khaled Hosseini

So slowly I'm losing 
who I've sworn to be. 
a promise in pencil 
that years have made so hard to read. 
I've spent my life building walls 
brick by brick and bruise by bruise... 
a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep. 

but time is spinning silk 
that coils ruthlessly; 
with the devil's patience, 
it binds my hands so quietly 
that soon it becomes a part of me. 

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie. 
and help me remember 
the hope that I have compromised. 

please be a broken record for me.

(Song:  Birdcage Religion  Sleeping At Last)