Seven Years Sad

Another marker on this path.
I have been walking for so long.
I am tired and forlorn.
I keep hoping the journey will soon be over.
I cannot find my way out of the darkness.
I approach the marker to read what it says...
"Seven Years today...August 13, 2009 - August 13, 2016"
I guess I never thought I would make it this far.
People used to say, "I don't know how you do it," or, "If I lost my child, I wouldn't be able to go on."  
Well, I don't have a choice.
I go on...dragging myself through the quicksand of grief as best I can.  Some days seem like they will  never end, the sorrow pulling me down like an anchor, choking the life from me. Some days I just have to stop and rest. When I do stop, I pray the muck of this grief doesn't suffocate me while I am trying to catch my breath. Some days there is a cool breeze and I can imagine it is my sweet boy nudging me onward, telling me, "you can do it Mom.  I love you Mom."  Some days there is only the deafening silence of the vacuum created by the absence of my sweet boy.  Those days are dark and there seems to be no reason to keep struggling against this demon of sadness and loss.
While some aspects of my grief have changed, I still have the overwhelming desire to run away and start a new life.  A life without sadness and pain.  A life where no one knows I lost my most precious son.  A life where the weight of this sorrow is lifted from my body and I can finally breathe again.  I have so many questions and not many answers.  Losing Nickolas changed everything...my world as I knew it was shattered.  My life was forced into a new and unwanted trajectory.  I don't know where I am going or why.  I know I am hurting...still.  I don't believe it will ever stop hurting.  I am tired of being in pain.  I am tired of being sad.  I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy.  I wonder if  I will ever feel joy in my heart again.  Sometimes it feels really hard to keep moving on this path. There is a deep sense of sadness and despair that clings to my heart and soul even as I continue to search for light in the darkness of this grief.

“Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” 
― James Patterson

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” 
― Juliette Lewis

“She felt the depth of her losses before they were realized, and she wondered, Is there still hope? Did she even dare hold on to such a tenuous thing as hope?” 
― Sage Steadman