Well yes...that is a picture of Captain Nick! Looking at this picture makes me smile and makes me sad. Nick doesn't quite look like this picture anymore. He is still my same sweet boy, but, now he is skinny and frail and bald and sad and I cannot fix it! As a parent, I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating and horrifying it is to know that you cannot save your own child from danger. You have to depend on people in white coats who breeze through cancer centers as if they are in a shopping mall. They care on some level, but, not the way we do. They don't love Nick like we do.I have not written much of late as I have been overwhelmed with so much of what has been going on. I feel that I am in an emotional limbo right now. I waffle between feeling nothing and feeling too much. While Nick is doing OK, I have been unable to feel in a celebratory mood. I feel like I am trying too hard to put a good face on things at the moment and I am tired of it. I feel like I have fallen into the rabbit hole and I never liked Alice or her shitty wonderland! (Note: A far worse expletive has been deleted for those with sensitive sensibilities - although I have no idea how long I will remain in this frame of mind so beware of four letter words and other harsh realities to come and that would include the music as well - consider this your first and final warning on the subject.) Nick keeps telling me I need to go to "anger management" classes? I don't get angry with Nick...I do get angry about other stuff . I do have anger about this subject and therefore have displaced said anger onto unsuspecting inanimate objects, stupid drivers on Orleans Street and whatever or whomever may cross my path.
Yes... I have anger and I don't have anywhere to put it! If there is a shrink out there who has an appropriate receptacle, please feel free to UPS it to my house ASAP before I explode with the rage of a thousand suns! I really can't begin to put what I am truly feeling in this blog right now for fear of offending someone. I am doing my best to hold it together, but, all I want to do is take care of Nick and NOTHING else. I feel like I am clinging to my sanity by the smallest of threads. Is this normal? I don't know. Why am I feeling this now? I don't know. Why does Nick have to go through all this? I don't know. So many questions with no answers. Is the worst over??? I don't know. Does anyone?? The answer to that question is NO!
And all I can think is that if this is what I am feeling, what is Nick going through? I want to help him, but, it seems in this he does not want my help. Maybe with time, the answers will become clear. Right now, the picture is blurry and my eyes will not adjust.
When did everything get so hard? I long for my old life. I know Nick must feel that way too. If only this were a bad dream and we could all wake up and find that someone was playing a cruel joke. Knowing what we know now, we would forgive them.
3 comments:
Big D, Why are you worrying about offending people who read YOUR blog? If you are angry, get it out- cuss, scream (using exclamation points of course and all caps) and say anything YOU want to say. It's your life, your thoughts, your feelings, your words, your blog. We're all along for the ride. If someone gets offended, SCREW 'EM. They can stop reading. I think everyone reading this cares enough about you, Nick, and your family that they will be understanding and take everything with a grain of salt.
I can't even imagine what you (or Nick) is going through, but reading your blog lets me into your world for a little bit. So if you are angry and pissed off, LET IT OUT. Anger is a powerful energy that will keep cycling through you until you find an outlet (that is not Nick, Sara, Mr. Glen, or drivers on Orleans Street). This is your space- do what you have to do for you in your space.
Much love, Carly
It is rare these days for someone not to know a friend or loved one who has had or is now experiencing cancer. It evokes dormant and often angry feelings in people. Your belief system determines how your view the illness and whether or not you feel like a victim on some level. The will of the sufferer shapes the outcome. Whatever your feelings, choosing to express them helps you work it out.
You need to be able to vent and a blog is a great place to do it. People don't realize how much energy it takes to put on a happy face. You need places and people who allow you to feel exactly how you feel and be exactly who you are. As far as I'm concerned, we a blessed that you have chosen to open yourself up to us and it's our choice to read or not. We are the better for it in my book. I can only imagine what it is like to go through what you are going through and like you want to do for Nick, I want to do for you. As your friend, I wish I could make it all better. I wish I could wipe out cancer with a flick of my wrist. I'm angry that Nick is sick, too, and I'm angry that you feel helpless and sad. I pray that God will completely heal Nick and give you the strength to persevere and if that means expressing how you truly feel in this blog, then go for it! Love, Vic
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