Stormy Weather

“The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Wednesday morning, we got a call from Dr. Frosty. The news was not good. Nick's latest spinal fluid test shows the blast cells have come back. I hate the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know bad news is coming. Nick, Sara, and I listened as Dr. Frosty blew up our worlds with this latest news. I truly don't know how many more kicks to the gut I can take. The Mom in me is screaming and kicking and clawing her way against this tide of bad blood cells. God damn you cancer, you won't take my child from me and I don't care how many times you morph into another deadly version of yourself. Give up now, because you cannot win this fight! I am desperate to find a way to understand why this is happening to such a gentle, kind and wonderful spirit. It breaks my heart over and over again. Nick tells me it will all be alright. I want to believe him so much. I want to cry an ocean of tears. I want to crawl into my bed and have someone wake me up and tell me this is all a horrible, horrible, nightmare.

Nuts and bolts: Nick must go back to twice a week IT chemo. They will be changing the toxic chemical du jour to one called Thiotepa or fludarabine. The doctors are not sure why these cells took hold again, but, to continue with the current therapy would be pointless. Nick & I will meet with the neurosurgeon to discuss the Ommaya reservoir. Dr. Frosty et al are pushing hard for Nick to get this thing stuck in his head. They have increased Nick's dose of oral chemo back to 70 mg twice a day, even though it has wiped out his counts! He is STILL neutropenic even though they recently held the medication for several days and then decreased the dose. I don't see how his counts will ever recover. This new chemo is VERY STRONG and I am worried that his marrow will be so suppressed that he will be a severe risk for infection. Also, how he can he have an Ommaya resevoir in his head when his is so neutropenic! Isn't that just asking for trouble?? The possibility of brain radiation has been put out there for us to ruminate on for a while as well. I am so sad right now, but, I feel like i am some kind of automaton going through the motions. I wonder when I am going to lose it, what silly ass thing will happen that sends me over the edge. I am still regrouping from this one. I feel like a Weeble and everyone knows Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down!