Dark Unfathomable Caves

“Full many a gem of purest ray serene

The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear

Full many a flower is born to blush unseen

And waste its sweetness on the desert air.”

~Thomas Gray

It has been twenty-six days since Nick was admitted to the hospital. This admission is now officially longer than when he went in for his BMT, which was twenty-five days! It is really hard for all of us to wrap our heads around that one....that admission was so early in this whole journey. We had no idea what was in store and of course, we had such high hopes that the transplant would stop the leukemia in its tracks. Nick continues to show such amazing courage to fight this battle every day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I could count on one hand the number of really good days Nick has had since this all began ten months ago!

Today was a quiet day. It is after all the weekend, therefore, doctors go home early to their lives, while Nick battles for his and we sit and wonder what will happen next. Nick is slowly trying to recover from the myriad of attacks by radiation photons and strange fungii. Nick's lungs are still not well. He remains on oxygen, although he has been able to wean down slightly. His breathing has improved slowly each day, although, the gains have not been as large the last couple of days. Nick's counts have been steadily improving since last Sunday, so the general trend has been in the right direction. Nick continues with very bad throat pain from the radiation. This has made it almost impossible for him to eat. This doesn't seem like it would be such a big deal, but, it actually is because it seems there is nothing much anyone can do to take the pain away. Nick is on a pain pump, but, it does not really help the pain in his throat enough to enable him to eat. Nick is now on IV nutrition, so hopefully, he won't lose any more weight while we wait for his throat to stop hurting. In addition, Nick has been having some pressure headaches, pain and tension in his neck muscles, and some nausea. I assume these are also side effects of the radiation and I pray to God they go away soon.

Nick has been tired that past couple days. He was so excited and energized on the day he finished his last radiation treatment and I think now he is feeling the let down. Plus I am sure he is feeling the effects of the radiation fatigue as well. I tried to talk to a doctor today, but, they were gone for the afternoon. Nick was able to have a short visit with some friends today...I hope tonight he can get some sleep, something that is basically impossible in the hospital. I wish I could bring him home so badly, but, he is not ready yet. My heart is breaking, but, I must carry on. Every day is important and as Nick said the other day, "Every day is a gift."