One year ago today was "Day Zero" for Nick's bone marrow transplant. Today was supposed to have been a celebration of his one year anniversary of beating his leukemia. It was such a hopeful day...we wished with all of our collective hearts that this gift from a stranger would be the answer to our prayers for Nick. When I look back at my notes on this month from a year ago today, I find each day is filled with the steps of that journey. Now I look back with anger, sadness and shattered dreams. I cry every day and every night for the loss is so great I do not know what else to do. I straggle my way through each day, with mundane tasks taking my mind briefly away from the grief that I feel. I am on a different roller coaster now, where emotions rise and fall like waves crashing to the shore. Such a senseless loss will not be easily understood, nor accepted.Last August seems so, so, so FAR AWAY! Today I had to go the funeral home to pick up death certificates for my first born son. How is that even fathomable? When I read the listed cause of death as "pneumothorax" it brings back all the horrible memories of that last week and those final days that are indelibly etched in my mind. I cannot forget and I still cannot forgive myself for failing my son. It makes me so very sad. It makes the memory of this day all the more difficult to bear. I remember how wonderful Nick was and what a trooper he was and how positive he was at that time. How were we to know the the magnitude of the struggle Nick was about to face, that the fight had only just begun and that ultimately the fight would be lost no matter how courageously we fought. It just breaks my heart over and over again. I love you Nick. I miss you every minute of every day. My heart will never be whole again. Today I got a card from Nick's pediatrician. It was so nice to hear from him and his memories of Nick. He was shocked to hear of Nick's death. He did not know he was sick. Once again, I cried sad and bittersweet tears. For there is no joy in my world right now. There is only the darkness left when the light of my beautiful son left this world.
“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy.”
AristotleP.S. - Jack's Mannequin concert in Washington DC sold out before I could get tickets. Not happy about this...I really wanted to go to that concert. Oh freak!
10 comments:
Dear Diane,
Please try to remember you did not fail your son. You did everything humanly possible for Nick. Nick would have never made it a long as he did without you. You honored his wishes to fight to the very end. That is what he wanted you to do. YOU DID NOT FAIL HIM, JOHNS HOPKINS DID!!!!!! I know this is your darkest hours, and time is the only thing that can start the healing, but remember you have so many people who love you and want to help. Also remember you other ray of sunshine is your daughter. Let her presence help you through. Nick would have wanted that. I never want to know what you are going through, but I promise you,( I have a friend who lost her son), you will smile again. You will always feel empty, but the pain will not be so unbearable. Diane, hang in there, Nick will help the pain lessen as time goes on. Remember you have way to much to give, you have to find the courage in time to move on. I know in my heart you will, if not for yourself then for your daughter and for Nick.
Love,
Mary E
Seester.....nothing to say, but I love you and wish we could turn the clock back and take another path.
Oh, Diane. It breaks our collective hearts to read that you feel you failed your son. Having a background in medicine, you knew so much more than the average Joe and were far more capable and competent than most of us would ever have been. We would have sat there, ignorant of the majority of tests and drugs and "diagnoses" being given and tossed about. Armed with what you knew, Nick had a higher probability of receiving the best care possible! You did all you could do, Diane. In your heart you know that, don't you?? Because you know you would have done anything for Nick, Diane.
Love & prayers for peace,
joyce
Diane:
I wish I had words of comfort for you. What I do know from reading your blog is that you did not fail Nick. You stayed by him every moment and fought for him when he could not. He could not have had a more steadfast champion than you.
Sending you lots of support.
Thinking of you. Sending love.
Deanna
Dear Diane:This was written by Fr. Joe Breighner and published some time ago.
When all is said and done, beyond all the doctrines and dogmas and beliefs of different religions, I think it all boils down to love. Love breathes us into existence.. Love holds us in existence. And one day, when our mortal flesh wears out or falls apart, we go back to Love. We go from form to the formless, from the limits of time and space to the timeless and the infinite.
I thought you might find this comforting--I do. I talk to Nick every day. Two days ago he found a parking space for me and whenever I turn into a leaky sponge in sadness and sorrow, I ask him to help me to remember the good things. Today we talked about learning how to make stollen.
Love and hugs, Mom
Hi Diane,
Please do not blame yourself for anything. You didn't fail anything. As you said, you had no idea of the magnitude of what was coming. Who could you have known? I personally do not even think the doctors ever knew what was coming for Nick from reading all of your journals.
You have every right to be angry. Please know I feel that is necessary for you at this time after all you and your family went through to be angry that you still lost your precious after such a long and painfun struggle.
Diane, I am not the writer that you are, so please forgive me if it sounds like I do not appreciate all the terrible things that happened over the 15 months of Nick's struggle to save his life. I most definitely feel angry and sad for you and your family over this outcome.
But I also feel that as a teaching hospital, Johns Hopkins, as all other teaching hospitals, has obvious breaks in their continuity of care and communication. Miscommunications, errors, and complications made an already stressful and heartbreaking year much worse. But they also never gave up. They ran every test. They denied no treatments. And I may be taking a leap here, but I am sure there are doctors from Hopkins that are heartbroken over the loss of Nicholas Pippin. I have to believe that.
I hope you will forgive me for saying these things, but I also lost a loved one years ago after two years of trial treatments of Interluken and Interferon at N.I.H. It was absolutely horrible to watch the torture my mother went through because she just simply, would not give up.
I guess what I am saying is that in his own way, Nick gave another great contribution to the world. The trials and treatments he suffered were lessons for some of our nations best medical staff. That is how I see my mother's courageous struggle with her trial treatments. She knew she might die anyway, but after all that is how the experts learn what works and what doesn't work in the end.
Don't blame yourself for being a medical professional who believes in medicine. How could you not? How many times did you see children saved on your ICU unit? You believe in medicine. It is part of what makes you who your are my friend and personally am extremely proud of you and all of your excruciating decisions you were forced to make. What you went through is unimaginable for all of us out here. You are an amazing individual.
Love,
Vicki T.
In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." ~Jose Narosky
Dear Diane,
I have always really liked this quote you've had on your Blog. How profound its message. Nick was in the war with cancer, and you, his family and his friends, we were all soldiers in his company of one rank or another. Some with him daily in the trenches and others on the home front logistically removed, but with his welfare and his combat mission ever present in our hearts and prayers. We are now wounded soldiers. It will take time to heal and for the scars to fade and they will never fully disappear. You cannot go through a war and not be forever changed. Nick lives on not only in our memories and hearts, but in every moment in which the world becomes a better place, because we choose to be changed for the better by the things he taught us. Whether by caring for the environment or my neighbor more or approaching adversity with his spirit of courage, dignity and kindness, he continues to be a blessing and gift to us and the world. Being part of the journey of such an exceptional man has been humbling and inspiring. Aristotle said, “The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.” You did not fail Nick. You were his constant companion through the “heavy mischances” of his disease and never doubt that he was only the better for it. You would have taken that bullet for him. You are both heroes.
Love,
Miss Vic & Michael
“Most people coming out of war feel lost and resentful. What had been a minute-to-minute confrontation with yourself, your struggle with what courage you have against discomfort, at the least, and death at the other end, ties you to the people you have known in the war and makes for a time others seem alien and frivolous.”
- Lillian Hellman
Hey there Diane -
I want you to know that I am thinking about you. You are nothing short of an amazing Mother - and how dare you even think of calling yourself a "failure" to your son! You were his reason for living. You made it ok. You did more than most COULD (much less 'would'). You need to go a little easier on yourself right now. You need to take care of your badly bruised self.
Ps. When are you and I getting to work on the bulldog stuff??? :)
I love you, and send my hugs -
Catherine
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. My words may mean nothing, as I've never been where you are. Please remember that y'all always been in my prayers.
Brandon
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