I'd like to think that this was a road that Nick would enjoy traveling on, either by foot or maybe on that bike he was supposed to get when he was better. We are all still struggling day to day here. Nothing seems right. Nothing fits like it should. Sadness is the prevailing wind of the day. Nothing seems to ease the pain of this loss. We are all trying our best but it ain't workin'. When I read back on my blog, it only serves to make my heart break over and over again to see the level of pain and suffering that Nick had to endure over the last months of this illness.
Bereft
Alone on this one way street
No turning back now.
Hiding in the shadows cast by the pieces of my broken heart.
Keep moving. Don’t stop, lest you be consumed.
The muck seems somehow acceptable.
I no longer fear, the worst has already happened.
Sometimes there is pain so deep, a brief dose of reality.
Memories are no consolation.
There is no going back.
Dreamless sleep betrays me and brings hard truth.
I will never see you again. ~Big D
6 comments:
Dear Diane,
You will see Nick again. Look at the beauty around you, and there is Nick. He maybe in the arms of God, but he is in your heart and all of those who loved him so much. Nothing will take away the pain, and as much as you are hurting and feel so bad, you need to feel like that at this time, time will heal the wounds a little, and you will begin to feel happiness a little at a time, one day at a time. Just remember you are not alone. Nick wants you to move on, to make you happy, and in memory of him, share your amazing gifts with others. It will make the world a better place Diane. Nick did go through alot but that was HIS choice, you HONORED what your son wanted. There is no greater gift of love then to honor someone's wishes, no mater how difficult it is. Just remember Nick loves you and wants you to be happy. Take this time and continue to grieve, I pray for the time when the pain eases just a little bit for you, so you can feel better.
Love,
Mary E
Diane, the wind is blowing the same thing here...sadness and heartache. I feel discombobulated, somehow. Would like to go to bed and put the covers over my head. I know what Mary says is right....Nick would want us to go on...I am trying to honor his wishes but nothing feels right. I am grouchy and grumpy and angry and would like to take it out on someone......I am sure Nick wouldn't agree with that either, so there is the quandry. Love you, seester. Big hugs from Chicago.
Big D,
I love your poem. So real. The finalness of death is excruciatingly painful. The only thing I can think of that could possibly make this at all bearable is knowing that you and your family will all be reunited again someday in heaven and that is when you will see your precious son again and that will be for eternity.
Love,
Vicki T.
Aunt Diane,
Never think about the bad things, always try to stay positive. Nick passing away wasn't the bost I needed before football season but I always think, " Hey, Nick would rather be trying to catch his breath from trying to catch and tackle somebody rather then his own lungs betraying him in a Hospitle." Sometimes it makes me hit harder for him sometimes it doesn't. Thing of a good memory of Nick that makes you think for a minute and relize the good in life! Love You! Jared
Diane, I am so sorry I couldnot talk with you when you called Raleigh on Tuesday. I keep reading your blog and I find myself crying and just being plain mad. Life is so precious and Nick fought his battle as hard as he could. The loss is great and we all feel your pain. You have helped all of us by sharing your daily thoughts. Please take a day at a time, I know that sounds corny but with each day a little healing will come but it is a long process. Hold on. I think of you everyday . Linda
Diane, We love you and will see you soon, if hugs willhelp we have lots of them for you. I thought your poem expressed in words exactley how you are feeling about Nick. You will feel better but it will take time. keep up your writing it's good therapy and you are good at it. Love Dad P.S. Note the big letters HELP!!!
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