Dark Place

Let me explain.
This is not me you see.
My body has fallen to the ground.
Do you see me there?
The pain overwhelms and I want to hide from eyes that cannot see.
As I lie here on the cold ground, I wonder how it will feel tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...how it will feel forever?
Stuck between mind-numbing shock and overwhelming sadness.
I cannot find the energy to get up.
Staring into space, caught in a web of unending grief, helpless to move forward.
Only wanting to go back.
Back to my son's smile, his laughter, his bright eyes, and his gentle soul.
Back to the days when he was healthy and strong.
Back to a time before time stopped and I was set adrift alone and afraid.
Still lying lifeless on the ground.
What will I do now?
It is a ghost you see walking around in my shoes.
She is not me.
She is going through the motions.
Don't think she is "over it."
She is just marking time until the next
nauseating wave of loss washes over her.
Hurry home.
Find a safe place to release all the pain in a flood of tears.
Am I still lying on the ground by the dark house with the gloomy sky?
Yes.

"We can see the smoke of a burning home,
but who can know of a burning heart." ~Malay saying

"The passions of the heart are not always visible, particularly when we are suffering a severe loss. Survivors often say they wish they could wear a sign or a badge to signal to other people how damaged they feel. Grief is isolating and it is deceptive. Sometimes a person who seems perfectly fine on the outside is going through extraordinary inner torment day after day, hour after slow hour."

Excerpt from the book "A Time To Grieve - Meditations For Healing After The Death Of A Loved One" by Carol Straudacher