Well my computer crashed the other day...just like my life crashed almost three months ago. The diagnosis was a busted hard drive. After much rumination decided to just get a new computer. Just like that...presto, chango, new computer. But, I don't know how to do everything on this computer. I HATE IT! I have no patience for this sort of BS. Short fuse, getting shorter. My stomach has been hurting a lot lately. I wish I could get a new hard drive for my life. Sara had a dream about Nick last night. I was very jealous. She said that Nick had come into her room to look at her paintings. I always ask if it was "sick" Nick or well Nick. She said he was well and looked good. It made me happy that she got to see him. It made me sad that I didn't. I rarely have dreams anymore. Nick & I often talked about this when he would have dreams. Sometime near the end, he would have bad dreams. This would make me so sad. Nick never used to have bad dreams. I want to see him so badly. I want him to come home. Please come home Nick. I miss you so. Mom“Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.”
William Butler Yeats
5 comments:
Diane,
I am so glad Sara had a dream of the healthy Nick. When I dream of my dad he is always healthy and happy. I truly believe that is were Nick is now in a happy place and healthy. You will have that dream to, I know Nick will come to you too. It is hard to have those dreams but I am at peace knowing my dad is healthy and happy now. Diane, I know this year is hard for you, the first of everything without Nick is unbearable, but I promise you the pain will ease a little in time. It will never go away, but it will get better. In the mean time you have to take care of you. Chest pains, and stomach pains, I know they are from the horror you have went through, but try to remember NIck wants you to be healthy and happy too. Look inside your heart, Nick is there.
I hope each day gets a little bit better.
Mary E.
How We Survive
If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.
If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.
Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.
One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.
Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.
And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...
The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.
And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.
We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.
And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.
Diane-
I know where you at emotionally...
When Abbey died, I did not have time to mourn. Amanda needed
our immediate attention. When Amanda died, my world went upside down. I wasn't comfortable in my
home, let alone my own skin. Three
weeks after Amanda died, I was rushed to the hospital. My problem was a difficulty in breathing. My REAL problem was beginning to deal with all the emotions and losses. To lose a child, is unbelievable pain.... My friends tried to compare their losses(moms, dads, brothers, sisters)to our losses.
IT IS NOT THE SAME. They mean well,not after awile, I had to turn to people, who have experienced the loss of a child.
Diane,
Still thinking of you and reading your blogs. I never know what to say, but I just want you to know that your are still in my thoughts.
Whenever you are ready, Lauren is ready to dance!
Love,
Maureen
Dear Diane -
I wanted you you to know I'm wishing really, really hard for you to have a dream with your healthy Nick.
Catherine
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