Tears In The Ocean, Footprints In The Sand

I remember when Nick was born one of the first things we noticed was his BIG feet. They were still adorable baby feet, but, he was a big 8lb. 11oz, three weeks overdue, boy, with big feet. When he was a baby, I loved to play with his toes and tickle his feet, as all mothers do. I remember playing "this little piggy" with him and how he would laugh when it came time for the piggy to go "Wee wee wee all the way home." Nick had the misfortune to inherit his Mama's crooked fourth toe and he had the longest toes of anyone in the family. Those toes were like fingers and while those toes were often the brunt of many a joke, they were world renown in his circle of close friends. Nick had huge feet, size 13! His favorite Birkenstock sandals and his tennis shoes still sit up in his room. I remember one time in the hospital, Nick had gone off the floor for a test. I was worried and then a stretcher came rolling around the corner. The first thing I saw were Nick's big old feet (with his Birkenstocks on them) hanging off the end of the stretcher (Nick was so tall, he never quite fit on the stretchers) and I knew immediately who those big feet belonged to and I laughed as I breathed a sigh of relief that he was back to his room, safe and sound.

As I continue to fight my way through this grief, I am always searching for ways to keep Nick close to me. Anything I find that has his name, his handwriting, his voice, they all bring me a small measure of comfort in this barren wasteland of loss. I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier, but, I suddenly realized that I had to have Nick's baby footprints. I called St. Joseph's Hospital where Nickolas was born and they told me what I had to do in order to request his birth records, which would have the copy of his precious footprints. The next day I had to call the hospital back to confirm some information and the person on the phone asked me what year Nick was born. I told the lady that Nick was born in 1982. She then proceeded to tell me that they only keep records for twenty-five years and that Nick's birth records had been destroyed! I could not believe it. I had no idea they could even do that. I hung up the phone and just began sobbing. Why? Why couldn't those footprints have just been there? It doesn't seem like such a big thing...but right now, to me, the copy of those little feet mean everything. I am so heart sick over this. I love you my sweet boy. Please come home.

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."