Cutting The Heart Asunder

I feel as if I have been hit by a tornado tonight. Dark clouds brew in the sky and the wind is kicking up. I feel battered and bruised and I once again find myself in an emotional limbo. I cannot feel anything. Is this a protective mechanism, denial, insanity? If I let myself feel all these emotions, I feel that my heart will shatter into a million pieces.

The last few days have been very busy with tests for Nick. Trying to figure out what is wrong with his lungs and his breathing. He has had CXR's, special CT scans, pulmonary functions tests, and V-Q scans. Nick continues to require varying amounts of oxygen, he still cannot tolerate any sort of routine activity, like standing up to move from bed to chair or going to the bathroom. He gets so short of breath and winded, he sounds like a freight train. He has expiratory grunting at times and his respiratory rate is so fast. It has been steadily climbing for the past few days and currently he is breathing in the 30's and sometimes higher. Normal breathing rate for adults is 12-14/minute.

Today the doctors came to let us know that they felt that Nick needed to have a procedure called an open lung biopsy. This requires that Nick go to the OR and have general anesthesia in order for them to get biopsies of areas of his lung that are in question right now. They are actually trying to discover what is exactly going on...the current theories are infection, GVHD of the lung, and another inflammatory lung process that can happen after someone has a pneumonia. Nick could potentially have all three of these things going on at the same time. None of these options are good, and the treatments are all different and opposite for each of these.

I am so scared right now...there are so many things that will impact Nick with this procedure. His counts being low and infection risk and its potential hindrance to his healing. Nick will have to have a chest tube to re expand his lung after they do the test, another source of infection and potential delayed healing. Nick's platelets are still low, so bleeding is a huge risk and they will have to give him platlet transfusions prior to going to the OR tomorrow. Nick's lung condition is tenuous and he has such little reserve that he could have trouble coming off the respirator after the surgery and he might have to stay on it for a "few days." He will have a lot of pain from the procedure, the CT, and possibly a breathing tube. I could go on and on, but, I can't take it anymore right now.

I am asking EVERYONE to please PRAY for Nick to come through this day and for everything to go OK...once we get a diagnosis then treatment plans will be discussed. If anyone reads this in the morning, please send Nick your best positive vibes for him to come through this with flying colors. I will try to post something here as soon as I know anything!

“The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.”

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Armstrong