Dashed Hopes

This photo is called "First Light of the New Year." The sky light is so beautiful and serene, the opposite of how I feel. I hope Nickolas is finding peace where ever he is right now. I cannot seem to find any right now. On this date one year ago, Nick was still in the hospital. The day before, on January 2nd, we received the shocking news that Nick's leukemia had relapsed in his spinal fluid. I remember the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was devastating news for all of us. I really think we were all in shock....how could this happen so soon after his BMT? How was this fair? Leukemia does not do "fair." We never discussed what this meant for his chances of recovery. Of these things we never spoke. It was like some unwritten rule that we must all pretend that everything was going to turn out just fine if only we believed it hard enough. I thought that Nick had already been through hell...but, deeper, darker depths of hell were to come. And so we began to walk down another dangerous path oblivious to the dead end we would soon encounter; by the time we figured it out, it was too late to turn back.

"Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning". ~Robert Brault

I have started a new playlist for the new year. Some old songs may appear. I called the playlist "A Fresh Start" because it reminds me of something Nick used to do in the hospital. After he got his tracheostomy and he could no longer speak anymore, he had to write everything in order to talk with us. When he first wanted to write I grabbed the closest paper that was handy,which was a sketch pad that Nick was using to draw and make sketches. He wrote on this pad for several days, at one point, stating profoundly that writing in this book was "a waste of a good sketch pad." I was amazed he would worry about such nonsense, but, he was a frugal guy and he did not like waste. Anyway, a few weeks or so into this process, when Nick would fill a page, he would turn to a new page and he would always write, "FRESH START" at the top of the page. I am not sure why he would write this...symbolic maybe, or hopeful that things would soon turn around. Or maybe it was the drugs he was on or maybe it was just my sweet Nick trying to make some sense out so much pain and suffering. Anyway, I guess now I have to make my own fresh start. I know that is what Nick would want me to do. Nick, I love you so much...I miss you more each day. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Please come home. Mom