These are my babies after a trip to Frontier Town in Ocean City many years ago. My two baby chicks. I love them so. They were born four years apart and yet they were always two peas in a pod. Now Sara is in her pea pod all alone...her brother cruelly taken from this life. No longer four...we are now only three. In my family of six siblings, each of us had two children. My sister Barbara has two girls, my brother Dan has two boys, and my brothers Steven & James, and my sister Elaine & myself, each had a boy and a girl. We were a nice even numbered group. Now since Nick has left us, we are ODD and uneven, just like the jagged edges of our broken hearts. Now Sara is without her brother and Glenn and I are without our beautiful son. There is not a day that goes by that I don't ache to have Nickolas back with his loving family where he belongs. I am still daily reminded of the harsh reality of this loss. Today the sky was so blue and there were big, fluffy, white clouds floating in it. I just stared up at the sky and started to cry as it hit me again that Nickolas is forever gone from our lives. Oh my sweet boy how I grieve for you. How can I begin to explain all the changes that your death has brought to all of us and especially to our little foursome. We all miss you so much. Our family is forever changed without you here.
I love this picture because to me it tells a story of the sweetness and innocence of our babies before they grow up and stop listening to their parents and do things they shouldn't be doing. Some times I just stand in Nick's room and look at all that is left of my son...his clothing, his pictures, his books....things. They all trigger memories of one kind or another. Memories are not enough. Sara's brother cannot be replaced. She will never have her big brother to stand up for her, to give her advice, to fuss with, to aggravate Mom & Dad with, to dance with at her wedding and so many other things. She won't have an uncle for her babies and she won't ever be an aunt to his babies. Does anyone actually ever think about all these things? I do. These are the things that are going through my mind every day. There is a constant streaming in my head and my heart. The topics are varied...baby Nick, young Nick, high school Nick, college Nick, good Nick, bad Nick, sick Nick, really sick Nick, happy Nick, sad Nick, future lost Nick. Sometimes I find things that make me so sad. Things that tell a story about the person he was a child and others that are a reflection of Nick as he was before this horrible disease ripped him from our lives. As a grieving Mom, I guess I just find wonder in looking at my son from this teary-eyed distance. A distance I never wanted nor anticipated. Nick was a sweet and gentle soul with dreams and goals for his life. While he was here, he made us smile and he loved us fiercely. I just want him to come home to his family.
"Memories"
Memories fill me,
lodge in my throat,
cover my body,
a sorrow-lined coat.
Layers of melancholy
tears cannot reach
well up inside me,
resisting release.
This poem excerpted from STARS IN THE DEEPEST NIGHT
by Genesse Bourdeau Gentry, 1999
9 comments:
Dear Diane,
Thanks for sharing this adorable picture with us. There is Nick keeping his sister safe. I still believe he is doing that, but now it is from heaven. It is sad to think of all the thinks your family will miss without Nick, but again he is in your heart so he is still here, just not they way you wish for. I do love the innocence the picture shows. The love of a family. I guess the only thing to do is to remember you were blessed with a loving son, there are so many people who will never know that kind of love. I know that is bittersweet, yes you were blessed, but then that special precious gift was taken away. The seems so cruel. But again Diane, you had the honor of Nick, (that special young man) to have called you Mom.
Love,
Mary E.
i think about all those things. im not sure if everyone does, or just people who have lost someone that will no longer be doing all the big future things with them?
everyone is right though, nick will be there. nick is always here. i know its not the "here" that we wish it was, but maybe its a million times better and we should just be glad for him. sorry for ourselves, but glad for him. i always like to think nick is in the trees. the big, strong ones that are standing so tall and proud. itd be nice if instead of branches, he had arms that could still wrap around us when we need a nick hug... but obviously we cant always get what we want.
i love you lady. keep keepin on.
bear hug,
katie k
Hi Diane, Notice the hugh letters, don't know how they got here, and I don't know how to get rid of them. I just know they take alot of room on a page,I feel like I'm in kindergarten and at my age thats not good unless I wanted to be five again. Huuuum mabe thats not a bad idea, to be five again. Nick and Sara look so seet in the picture,they remind me of you and Barb when you where that age, only you guys where only a year apart. Love Dad ps call me.
Dear Diane
Thanks for sharing Nick with us in this blog... what a huge hole he left in the world when he left.
Big hugs and lots of love
Annie
Steven's mom
http://livingwithcml.blogspot.com
Aunt Diane,
I do think of those things too - and I add a few of my own in there for Andrew - he and Nick talked about going camping - I still have the messages he sent Andrew on email & FB and he said "I can't wait to take you camping Buddy" - Nick used to call him "buddy" and I feel so sad that they'll never get that camping trip amongst many other things. But when I'm sad, and Andrew asks why, he alwasy reminds me that "Uncle Nick is always with us mommy, right here" as he puts his little hand over his heart...which then makes me cry even more but he is right, he's with us in a way noone can take him away even though it's not the way we'd like as we want him here with us in the TODAY and the FUTURE but he is forever in our hearts. love you all...Ginni
Seester, I had some catching up to do on the blog as I have been running crazy at work. Been thinking a lot about you and about Nick, and about the suckiness of it all. 'Nuff to make you want to stay in bed with the covers over your head! I do love the what not to wear picture - appropriately named. Holy hell, what were you thinking? Love you.....
Dear Diane -
Loved the post. Love you guys and really just want you to know you're in my thoughts. Wish I had something profound to say - but I don't. I think of you and Nick often. As well as Glenn and Sara. All I can say is I hope you feel tiny bits bits better each day. Even if its only in terms of continuing on.
Love,
Catherine.
ps - loved dinner.
I was told by a psychologist friend that losing a parent is losing part of a past you know, but losing a child means losing a future you will never know. All those who lose children must have this feeling of loss of their future and I'm sure they think about it. How could one not? I'm so sorry that you must bear this burden. I wish that it was just that Nick was lost and we could find him and return him to you and watch you rejoice in having been reunited. Love ya, Vic
Diane, I think Nick knew more than you thought about what his furture was going to be. He called me and I was very surprized to hear his voice,I know he was calling to say goodbye, it makes me cry to know he will no longer be in our lives only in our thoughts and our dreams. I know Nick would have loved the 33 acres of woods where I grew up. He would be happy their,as I was, Love Dad
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