Mother's Day

I was blessed with two wonderful children who have brought so much joy to my life. I thought I would be watching both of them find their way through this world. I thought wrong I guess. Nickolas is gone forever from my life. Nick doesn't need his Mom anymore. Mother's Day will always bring bittersweet memories now.

Last year, Nick was once again in the hospital on Mother's Day. He had to be readmitted on May 9th. My Mom, Nick's grandma, reminded me today of the story of that day. Nick was so upset to go into the hospital because #1 - he had just gotten out of the damn hospital three days before and #2 - he had planned a Mother's Day breakfast at our house for that Sunday. Glenn was going to cook a fancy breakfast for all of us including my mom and my sister for Mother's Day. Nick was so excited about these plans and he really did not want to go to the hospital because he so wanted to have this breakfast, with "three of his favorite girls." Nick had to go to the hospital because the air in his chest had come back. We tried to recreate the Mother's Day breakfast in the hospital, but, nothing in the hospital is ever quite the same as when you are home. Just another disappointment on a long list of many.

The other day I was cleaning out another spot in my house and I found some Mother's Day cards that Nickolas had given me a few years ago. I cannot tell you how much having those cards mean to me. Nickolas wrote in the cards and they break my heart to read them now. But, the old cards from Nick are the only ones I will ever have. I will never get another Mother's Day card from my son.

The picture above was taken in late May 2009, after Nick came home from this week long May admission. I look at this picture and I see my babies all grown up. I see how much they love each other. I see how bravely they are each hoping that everything is going to turn out alright. I also see the stark contrast between a healthy Sara and a very sick Nick. I look at this picture and the harsh reality of the toll Nick's cancer has taken on him are obvious. Nick's color is so pale, his face swollen from steroids while his body was wasting away, his head bald from chemotherapy, and the latest insult, the oxygen needed to help Nick's breathing due to the damage in his lungs. The pain this causes in my heart will never cease.

To My Son

Missing you with all my heart.

Out of time, we were

Torn apart.

Hard to know just where you are, and yet

Each night I see a star,

Reminds me you are always near, yet

Still I cry my sorrow's tears.

Dearest son, my life's sweet joy

Always you will be my boy.

Your Mom loves you.