"Blue the most human color." I am blue. My world is blue. I miss my boy more than words can say. For now,my world is blue.
The excerpt below was taken from the book “A Broken Heart Still Beats" and was written by one of the authors of the book, Mary Semel. Ms. Semel lost her sixteen year old son, Allie, in a car accident. This is what she wrote at the beginning of Chapter 3, entitled, “A Storm In The Heart: Pain and Despair." Th
“I used to wake up eager to start the day. Not anymore, not since Allie was killed. Now I lie in bed as long as I can, pondering the mystery and horror that happened to Allie and us. I’m like a hurt animal licking its wounds in a cave.
Sometimes Allie’s death is the first thought that comes to my mind when I wake up; other times it’s not. Sometimes it comes to me suddenly and sharply, my heart shrieking, “Allie is dead, Allie is dead, Allie is dead.” Sometimes it floats to the surface of my consciousness slowly.
The same thoughts revolve over and over. How can it be? How can my lively sixteen-year old son be gone forever? It makes no sense that this life which I cared for with all my heart and soul was wiped out in one cataclysmic moment. What makes life? Where did it go? What can I do to bring it back? There must be something.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
My thoughts travel to the future which stretches ahead, a barren vista of grief. What can I do to make my life tolerable after this? Whatever I plan, whatever I do, Allie will always be dead. I will live the rest of my life looking backwards. I cannot bear it to contemplate this for long. So I come back to today. How will I navigate the grief today until I can return to the anesthesia of sleep? And tomorrow I’ll start all over again. Mary”
Lost in grief.
Alone in despair.
Longing to find a way back.
The darkness overwhelms.
A hole in my heart to deep to repair.
~bigD
2 comments:
Diane,
I stare at your words, your thoughts, your feelings, your life as you know it right now and I want to write something...profound...and the words escape me. All I can say is that I am sorry. And it seems to inadequate. I think of you often. And I send you my love and prayers.
Joyce
Diane
I can't (and won't even try to) imagine your pain. I wish there were some words, some magic I could weave to ease this ache you feel with your whole body. Alas, with as much love that you feel for your son, that much pain you must feel for his absence. I am grateful that you continue your journey through grief. I am sure that the world seems that it will not be any color other than blue, ever again.
Right now it doesn't have to be. If you can get up each day, you need to know that you are the strong mother that Nick had during his life, the strong mother he loves with all of his being. He will always treasure you.
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