Tears In The Dark

Every day I cry. I miss my boy so much. Every day is a challenge to get through. Every day there is something that brings the weight of this loss down upon me with breath taking clarity. The pain of this sorrow can bring me to my knees on a regular basis. I never know what it might be, but, it is always something. Tonight a band that Nick liked was on TV - G. Love & Special Sauce. The other night I went to get something to eat with Glenn and Barbara. The meal was good and uneventful, nothing fancy. On the way home in the car, by myself, I just suddenly started crying, because I felt so guilty that I had gone out to do something and poor Nick will never be able to do anything ever again. Tomorrow night will be the first episodes of The Amazing Race and Brothers & Sisters. Nick would watch them with me most Sunday nights. Now when I see the commercials for the show, I just want to cry. My sweet son won't be here to watch with me anymore. I try to remember where we were when we watched the last episodes of the season. I think Nick was in the hospital and it makes me so sad. I remember a few times when he was actually at home and he would lay his bald head on my lap and let me give him hugs and just be close. I will never get to do that ever again. I miss his voice, his physical presence, his quirky smile, his intelligence, so many things. The other day I found a comic strip that he really liked called Pearls Before Swine. The comic was particularly funny and made me laugh.

Last week I had my first dream of Nick. I saw him clearly and when I woke up I was upset because I didn't realize I was dreaming about Nick until I woke up and then it was too late for me to enjoy seeing him. I do remember that he was in his regular clothes and we weren't in the hospital. I remember thinking to myself, Oh wow, Nick is not hooked up to any machines or anything, so now we can have a real hug and snuggle. When Nick was in the hospital the last admission, he always wanted someone to come and be close, give him hugs, and hang out with him in the bed. He wasn't well enough to be up in a chair, so we came to him, whether it was Mom or Dad, Sara or Kate. While Nick loved to be out and about and spent most of his time doing just that when he was well, he was still a homebody and he loved to be around his family. In my dream, I got another snuggle. I hope I get some more. Dreams of Nick are bittersweet, I can see him but dreams are not enough. I want my boy back. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have someone tell me it was all a hoax.

I have gotten some books about losing an adult child. I have started one and I find myself saying "Yes, yes, I am not crazy." It is so good to know that what I am experiencing is not unusual, absurd, or crazy. I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind. I have lost my son and that is enough. I never thought I would be in this position, where there are so few people around me who actually know what this feels like...this grief business is hard work and I feel like the best course of action right now is to isolate myself from everyone because I cannot make them understand. I cannot make them read books and learn about what I am going through. So all I can do is find my own way right now. I know there are so many out there who will spend time me with me when I'm ready. I really need someone who will just listen to me tell my story, Nick's story over and over again until the pain stops. This is the only way I know to keep him with me. I cannot bear to let him go and I will do what I must to keep him with me forever.