One Day Closer

Two days before what would have been Nick's twenty-seventh birthday. I am so sad that no matter what we did, we could not make him better so he could be celebrating this birthday with all of the family and friends that will be gathering instead to celebrate his short time here on this earth. Nick had so much to give and so much more living to do. All he wanted was to be "better." He did everything he did with that goal in mind. He would always say, "If this is what I have to do to get better, then I will do it."

I have a notebook of his. This is where he wrote down a lot of his passwords for his bank accounts and other such stuff, "just in case." When I opened this notebook for the first time on the very first page Nick had written "2008 Goals." There I find his handwriting (which I treasure) and the lists of goals and projects...plans for the future. A future that is now lost. The list just really sums up so much about Nick. He was a planner to some extent and yet he could really go with the flow. He liked to organize his thoughts and get the ideas flowing and down on paper for later perusal. His goals included work and play, health and budget. Some goals were big, like the house he wanted to design and build. Some were simple like "practice calligraphy." Oh my God, how this breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I read these concrete reflections of Nick's awesomeness. How much money to save and hobbies he wanted to pursue like cooking. He had some plans of what kind of exercise he might want to start doing. He also included ways to "enrich" his life with learning, like a goal to read "1 book per month, 3 magazines per month, and translate 2 speeches per month." I don't know when in 2008 he wrote these goals, there is no specific date, all I know is those goals will never be met. All of his dreams and my dreams for him have been laid to waste; shattered into a million pieces. Pieces that pierce my broken heart and cause so much pain.

When he was home in May, he must have started a to do list, for that is in here too. It is dated May 8th, 2009. I guess he got that trait from his Mama. Such mundane tasks are listed there, but, to him they were a big deal...to be able to accomplish even the simplest of day-to-day jobs. Things like "file bills" and "budget 09." You see even then, he believed, we BOTH believed, we ALL believed, he would beat this thing. We all wanted this so badly!! And then later that month, near the end of his three weeks home there is this poem he wrote. Torn between the reality of lungs that seemed to be getting worse each day and dreams that wanted to believe and keep on living. Keep on fighting...oh, my Nick, I wish I could have helped you more. I wish that "To Do List" had more fun things on it. I wish we knew that this is where we were going...how would we have done things differently? How could I have made your last days happier and more peaceful? I love you my son. Am I selfish to want you to still be here with me? I pray you are at peace and doing all the things you love. Do you like that tree? I think of you when I see big, beautiful trees like this one. I think of you reaching to the heavens and offering your branches to the birds. I try to think of you as returning to the earth and a world that I know nothing about. I pray you are surrounded by so many who love you, wherever you are hanging out. Here is Nick's poem written on May 28th, 2009.

Broken
Physically beat down
With your ass dragging
your mind starts to follow
Spirits stay strong
for a while
But each day
is a little harder
a little more short of breath
one day
closer
This disease is trying to break me
But I will prevail
Because I will never give in.

You NEVER gave in Nick. I know that you NEVER wanted this to be the way this ended. You were never going "gently into this good night" ...you fought and you gave it EVERYTHING you had. You were a most courageous and fearless warrior in this battle for life. You always chose life. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Mom