Loneliest Light The Night

Thought this was a fitting picture to let everyone know that some of us will be walking in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's, "Light The Night" walk again this year. At first, I didn't really want to do it. My heart is not in anything these days. But, I have changed my mind and now I am committed. We are going to do the walk in Ocean City this year on Saturday, October 24th. I like this picture since it reminds me of the ocean and lighting the night sky. The name of our team is "Nick's Nanner's." If you click on the link where it says team page you can see a picture of Nick and his gangsta Gma from last year's walk. Nick couldn't walk last year because he was still trying to recover from his BMT. And sadly, Nick won't be walking with us this year, but, I hope many of you will walk or give in his memory. The team name stems from this little story. Sara always used to call Nick a "nannerpus" after the IHOP commercials where they show the banana dancing around on a stack of pancakes singing "Nannerpus, nannnerpus." Well don't ask...just go to the team page and donate if you can or join our team and come walk with us. Barbara, Glenn and I will be heading down there. I hope Sara will be coming too. My mom will be walking as she lives down there for six months out of the year. I am hoping for better weather than last year. I'll have some choice words for my son if he doesn't put in a good word to the weather guy up there.

It continues to be a rough time for me. Each week seems to be getting worse instead of better. Reminders of things are everywhere, I cannot escape the memories of the last year and a half. Today in the mail I received the "final autopsy report" from Johns Hopkins. I will not go into it here, but, suffice to say, I cried bitter and sad tears. The report states that his lungs were in very bad condition...duh! But, they are not exactly sure what caused this condition. It was NOT the bronchiolitis obliterans that many thought he had. Dr. Frosty was kind enough to call and talk to me, the only doctor I have seen or talked to since Nick's death. Every moment of every day is a challenge right now for me, for all of us. We are each suspended in our own worlds of grief and loss. We each must take this journey alone. I am filled with despair and I don't know how to turn this around. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand and no one can pull me out.