Here is my sweet Nick with all of his crazy hair! This will be in stark contrast to his bald "cancer" head that will be shown here in weeks to come. In case anyone forgot, Nick was still in the hospital on this date in time last year. He was on Day #5 of 58 inpatient days! These five days were spent in fear and anxiety every day about the radiation treatments that were on hold due to all the breathing and lung problems Nick was having. I cannot begin to describe the awful, nauseating fear! This was actually the same day that I decided to spend the night with Nick for the first time because I was so frightened about his breathing status. He was still in the room in the back hallway and he was still being assigned the least experienced nurses on the floor. I feel the need to put down all that was going on with him, but, I won't because I feel there is no purpose. I know how horrible it was, I know how hard Nick was working for every breath. I know how indifferent the doctors seemed to be about the whole thing. God why did this have to be this way? Why do I keep rehashing all this you may ask? Because I have to...that's all. I have to find a way to go over until I don't need to go over it anymore. I have to be able to figure out why our wonderful Nick had to die this way. I somehow know I will never have an answer and yet I must endlessly torture myself. God help me. But, I will feel this pain until it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It will never go away. How could it? I am not stupid. I know what I know and I feel what I feel. The problem is I am trying to get YOU to understand what Nick went through, what I went through, what we all went through. Can you understand? Can you try? If you want to try you have to feel the pain! This is what I feel everyday. Am I cruel to want others to understand the agony of this suffering? Why do I feel so alone in this loss? What is the purpose of this suffering?
Today marks seven months since Nickolas has left us. Every day I stand in Nick's room and I look at his pictures and I cry. I play his music for him and hug his clothes. The other day I wrote this on Nick's dry erase board:
Nice and neat Nannerpus
Incredible and intelligent
Caring and cool
Krazy and kind
Ornery, yet overflowing with hugs and love
Loving, laid-back, and loyal
Awesome and admirable
Sweet, sincere, & stubborn
We love you Nick. We miss your beautiful spirit, your smile, and the joy you brought to our lives every day. We love you so much...Mom, Dad & Sara.
"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels so much like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that have become habitual...I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string; then I remember and have to lay the bow down." ~C.S. Lewis
"Healing moves at its own pace. What is a burden one day may be a gift another day."
Excerpted from the book, "Healing After Loss Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" authored by Martha Whitmore Hickman
4 comments:
Dear Diane,
You need to tell us all what you went through. Instead of reliving it alone, share it with us. Writing it out may help with letting some of it go. I truly believe that, and I understand your pain. Just the thought of going through what you went through can easily bring me to tears. I am sure you are frustrated with people telling you to move forward. You can't, but I think if you wrote in your blog what was going on with Nick last year, you will be releasing that negative energy, and those who say move forward may begin to understand the depths of your pain. Diane, taking my son back to law school breaks my heart, so I know I could never be as strong as you are. If you want to let it out then you do so. If people do not want to read it they do not have to, but I think getting it out will help. You are not cruel, you just want others to understand, there is not greater pain then what you are going through. Diane, it is all part of the healing process. I promise it will get a little easier. It will never be gone, because Nick will truly never be gone as long as he is in you heart and your head. He will always be there, and why would you not want him to be there. Diane you are not alone. Many people are thankful for you teaching us through your horrible tragedy. I owe you so much for teaching me never to assume anything or take it for granted. If you ever want to e-mail me my e-mail is honeybee921@gmail..com. I would love to see you again.
Love,
Mary E.
Hi Diane,
Just checking in to let you know that I am still reading your blog and thinking of you often. And like so many others, I wish I knew what to say, but I don't.
I wish you didn't have to suffer so much. This journal seems to be a good way for you to examine the days you spent caring for Nick and a way for you to organize your thoughts. But I think no matter how hard you try, it will never make sense to you because it just doesn't make any sense. Both of my parents are gone. I know how painful that was each time but I could not begin to describe it to someone that hasn't lost a parent. I can't even begin to imagine losing a child. It must seem so unfair and backward. Our children are suppose to bury us not the other way around. That would make any parent angry. It must feel so wrong. I think most of us can understand that, but we may never be able to fully understand the pain and shock and anger that comes from losing a child.
Hugs,
Vicki T.
Dear Diane:
I'm still here reading. Please write what you need to, as many times as you need to. Process how you need to process.
I know that I suffered a very sudden, unexpected loss last year and I keep trying to process it over and over again, trying to make sense of it, figure out if there was something I could have done differently and I have yet to find an answer. It is not even close to your loss of Nick so please don't think I'm comparing but I do understand some of the things you write about. Please continue to air it out, put it down. Hopefully it will help with this whole unfair situation that you are going through.
Sending support.
Dear Diane -
Just wanted to let you know I still read these blogs, and they always make me cry and want to give you a hug. Please keep writing and we'll keep reading.
Catherine
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